Reasons Why I’m Late

This goes out to all my punctual friends and family….

First, I’m sorry. I know the concept of time is important to you, but it’s just not to me. I don’t get it. Are you competing for an award? Is this like when you were in grade school and received a certificate for never missing a day of school? Because that sounds about as much fun as being on time anywhere for anything. Have you heard of the Internet or Memes?

Reasons I’m always late:

Instagram.

Waking up is hard.

I don’t want to go wherever it is I have to go.

The baby hairs on the right side of my head that refuse to cooperate.

Am I getting enough Magnesium? Better Google it right the hell now and find out.

My brain. More specifically, ideas of new things to try, create, cook or research. Pinterest is gasoline to this fire.

Cleaning up things around the house that are minor and can definitely wait until later, but how great will it be to come home later and it’s already done? Pretty damn great.

My dogs giving me a look that says, “Leaving our sight for more than 2 minutes will make us feel abandoned and unloved. Do you want that on your conscience? Do you!?”

My vanity mirror shouting at me about the 3 eyebrow hairs I missed while plucking.

Where is that shirt I haven’t worn in 8 months, but would be just perfect for today? I should bypass the other lovely 46 shirt options I have and look for it even though I’m supposed to be there already because What Would Jesus Do? I’ll tell you what He’d do. He would tell the parable of the shepherd leaving 99 sheep behind to go searching for the one lost sheep. That shirt is no less important than the others. What book of the Bible is that story from? Better look it up right now because I will need this is information never. Ah, found the shirt. Nope. Now I know why I haven’t worn it 8 months. I’m going to hang it back up though because what if I feel differently about it in another 8 months?

Is that another freckle? Maybe I’m not protecting my skin from the sun enough. What’s the SPF on my moisturizer? That’s not high enough. Must find a better one on Amazon right this minute because this is a health concern that can’t wait. Oh look, I forgot about the bathroom rugs I saved in my cart for later. Do we really need to replace them yet? Maybe I should wash them again and see how they look after that. Gotta put them in the washer immediately because what if the washer goes missing or worse, gets stolen? How safe are we really? Maybe I should look into those cameras you can set up on your porch. I bet Amazon has some. Hopefully on Prime. I’ll check it out.

Facebook notification. Oh, it’s that guy from high school’s birthday. I should say happy birthday because he said happy birthday to me on my birthday. Ugh, if I do that then everyone we’re mutual friends with will expect a happy birthday wish and I’m not doing that. They’ll personalize it, think I don’t like them (I don’t) and it will become a thing. Better keep everyone’s expectations low, I don’t want trouble. No birthday wish for him. Guess I can scroll since I’m already on. Wait. An add for a Magnesium supplement? I didn’t even say that out loud. What the… The government can hear my thoughts? Shit. They obviously know I’m habitually late and will rarely have an alibi so they’re going to pin a murder on me to strong arm me into becoming an informant and putting my life on the line. I think I saw a commercial for a new show about that on Amazon Prime. I’ll check it out. Hmm, did I ever order the new moisturizer?

ADD, obviously.

Fish Out of Water

“If you give a fool enough rope, they hang themselves.” I’ve heard my Mother say this since I was a child. There is something so incredibly transparent about dishonest and disingenuous people. The need they have to show everybody that they are honest and genuine causes them to out themselves. It’s like seeing a fish out of water, struggling to breathe. Overcompensation at it’s worst. It only gets worse if they can’t convince others to believe the best of them.

It is a strange thing to encounter this as an adult and not know exactly how to respond. If I can’t trust you around my significant other or my friends, you’re out. If I’ve caught you in numerous lies, you’re out. If you refuse to take accountability for your actions, you’re out.

Maybe it’s because I’m 37 years old or maybe it’s because I value honesty so much, but I don’t have a tolerance for bullshit. The response I choose is no response. That’s it. You’ll get nothing from me. I will not waste my time or energy on anyone who does not deserve it. I’ve examined the situation, processed it, and determined that none of it is worth my time. TIME is absolutely precious, and we never know how much of it we have.

Meryl Streep said it best….

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me.

I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate.

I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons.

I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement.

Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

Perfectly said.

I feel no need to defend myself against malicious things said about me because they are untrue. Duh.

I don’t have to prove who I am to people who know and love me because they know me. Duh.

I’m so grateful that I’ve had a solid foundation of unconditional love from the start of my time on Earth. It has given me a sense of calm in these situations because I know who I am.

The desire to prove who you are to the world and fighting for others’ love and attention comes from a scarcity mentality that says, “There’s not enough love and attention to go around so I have to fight for my fair share”. It’s sad and untrue. There IS enough love and attention to go around. Everyone is worthy of it and it should be given freely to all of us from the start. I know that isn’t the case, but as an adult you can choose who it is you want to be and what you give your energy to. You don’t have to go on flailing about and gasping for air. Hurting people hurt people and I understand that while sometimes a person’s actions are awful, their intention may not have been. They just don’t know the safety and peace of living in love.

I wish these humans a journey that will lead them to love and acceptance. I, however, will not be their guide because in the words of Danny Glover, “I’m getting too old for this shit”.

Godspeed, little fish.