Somebody Get God on the Phone

Somebody get God on the phone, I have questions.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I only like six people outside of my family. Can they be off limits?

Tornadoes. Really? I watched the movie Twister 87 times, so I get that they’re fascinating, but they’re destructive and I don’t see the benefit. Unless they only come into contact with people who hurt animals. I’m fine with that.

Why do we have an Appendix if we don’t really need it? Then something goes wrong and the organ you never needed can now cause your death? Cool. Maybe a third lung would have been good or a back up heart. Why not two livers? And did we really need 25 feet of intestines? Now you’ve got all these humans walking around full of shit. Just saying there were options.

Why did you allow the Kardashians to be a thing? Is this because of our sinning? I really would have preferred you smite us with Locusts…again.

Why is everyone focusing on the power struggle between Jon Snow and Daenerys instead of the fact that they slept together and are AUNT and NEPHEW?

Why are they called Pine Nuts instead of Pine Seeds?

Was the boy Monica’s or Brandy’s? I gotta know.

Do all dogs go to heaven? If not, can they come to my house?

Are the beings in other universes as dumb as us or do they call them pine seeds?

Do people who listen to Kid Rock know they don’t have to?

Why are Zingers so delicious?

Why do we lose some of the best humans too early, but the grumpy old assholes live forever?

Is crack actually whack or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

In the end, what takes us out? Is it Romaine lettuce?

How many days were Adam and Eve alive before he called her “crazy” and said she was “overreacting”? That’s probably why she ate the apple. “Oh, you wanna see crazy?! I’ll show you crazy!” Then, boom. Sin. Now we have the Kardashians. Thanks a lot, Adam.

Is hell just a place where the ground is covered in Legos that can’t be moved and nobody has shoes? Can you smell delicious food all day, but it’s not there, it’s just the aroma coming from Heaven? And every day a plate of cookies labeled “Chocolate Chip” is placed in front of you, but they’re really Oatmeal Raisin? And every person is a mouth breather? If not, maybe it should be.

Before you start answering these questions, don’t. Are you God? Do you sound like Morgan Freeman? I didn’t think so. Go eat your string cheese and leave the big conversations to the grown-ups.

I’d like to end this on a positive note so…

Thanks for:

My Kids – Seriously, top notch. Extra thanks for making them look like me.

Sleep

My Family – Loving, smart, clever, good looking…really, I feel sorry for people who aren’t us.

The Sun (even though it will eventually kill us, nice touch btw)

Memes

Good People – all 6 of them

The “Ignore” button on my phone (and in my head)

Sex – some of your best work

Intuition – no jokes, it saves me

Chocolate (no nuts, obviously)

Dogs

Coffee (except decaf)

Flying dreams

Sea Otters

Humor – I think most days you must roll your eyes at me and maybe even sometimes laugh, but don’t forget that you made me and it’s pretty much your own fault. You chose this life. 

Cyclic Love Syndrome

Cyclic Love Syndrome. Yes, I made it up, but hear me out. You may have heard of cyclic vomiting syndrome and the symptoms are about the same.

It starts like this…

Two people meet. They proceed to:

Fall in lust

Fall in like

Fall in love

Live blissfully for 8.3 seconds

Love and annoy each other for 8.3 months, not always liking each other, but keeping those redeeming moments of lust

Fight

Still love each other

Argue

Kind of like each other

Disagree

Question their own sanity

Fall back in love

LUST

Fight…over the same thing

Fall back in like

Argue….again

Question their partner’s sanity

LUST

Disagree….50 more times

Laugh, lust, like, love…repeat

 

Sound familiar?

If you answered no, go back to watching afternoon talk shows, playing scrabble, or eating your 21 grain toast.

For the rest of us, what in the actual fuck? I mean, seriously. This cycle is true for 90% of the couples I know and love and is definitely true for me.

We tend to do this with the same person again and again and again. Why not just call it a day and start annoying somebody new?

I think it’s got something to do with some kind of weird chemistry that connects you to another person. Sure, over time you build a life and memories together which bonds you even more, but it’s more than that. There’s something that draws you back to someone and makes you want to drive them completely insane again and again. If that’s not love, I don’t know anything! (Which is quite possible)

Is there a down side? Absolutely. Sometimes, situations get toxic and unhealthy. If the bad outweighs the good by a lot, it might be time to go ruin someone else’s life. However, most of these relationships have enough redeeming qualities (great sex and inside jokes) to carry on and find some middle ground.

It goes something like this. “Look, you are annoying the ever living fuck outta me and I wanna rock your jaw a solid two times a week, but …

You make me laugh like no one else

You’re quite weird, but so am I

You dance like a fool

We’re fun

I like seeing you naked

We take care of each other

There’s nobody else I’d rather steal the covers from..

and, today, you picked your boxers up off the bathroom floor and put them in the hamper. Yay you! See, progress.”

I have zero doubts that he will do something in the next 5 days to make me want to end his Earthly journey, but until then. Amor.

Now, enjoy some of my favorite TV couples because we’ve got to keep a sense of humor and they’ve helped.

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And the most relatable for us personally…

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