Fire Away

We all have our demons and I’m learning to get cozy with mine. Life’s timing often has me feeling like every time I’ve found my balance; the floor drops out from under me. Like, you thought bitch! Usually when this happens, what follows is an evolving to a better, higher thinking version of myself. The scars are there and will always be a little sore, but they are reminders that I’ve survived a lot.

My girlfriends get frustrated with me because I keep a lot inside and suffer in silence. It isn’t intentional. I just need a lot of time to process things and I do it best on my own. Recently, the noise of life has made this impossible. Last night I was able to quiet my mind and have decided that I need to just surrender to the sadness. I’m so busy doing all the time, I don’t allow myself to just be. If you don’t allow yourself to grieve and feel the hurt, it just sits there and brings toxicity to every situation and relationship that follow.

An apology in advance, but this blog won’t be funny. I’m good at funny and I love humor, but it often masks the hurt and prevents me from dealing with reality and that’s not good for me long term.

I think that after my divorce and another break-up, I’ve just been in survival mode. It’s almost like I don’t have time to go through the emotions nor do I want to feel it all. Betrayal is a hard thing. It’s difficult to understand that someone you love would intentionally hurt you. You question EVERYTHING. You try to tell yourself that it’s not about you, it’s them…but if it happens again, it must be you right? I used to think the answer to that was yes, but it is a huge HELL NO. This world is full of a lot of hurting people who barely love themselves and aren’t capable of loving another human wholly. They are often loveable and great in many ways. Oh, but those shortcomings can end up causing you so much pain.

After all of it, I think the biggest loss was my ability to trust myself again. I’ve always been intuitive and trusted my gut feelings, but after being wrong so many times that seems impossible to do again. The question becomes where to go from here. I’m aware, I feel it and I carry it with me every day.

Parenting brings its own heartbreak also. You want so badly for your children not to experience any pain in life, but really, I think we need to prepare them for it. Life is going to dish it out, they will have to be strong enough to take it and heal from it. My kids have seen me survive a lot. In some ways, I am invincible to them, but they have also seen me vulnerable. They have seen me broken and they have seen me get back up and do what needs to be done. Unfortunately, that happens quickly because what Mom has time to be sad?? None of us. That has led to incomplete healing and I have to fix it. Still figuring out exactly how to do that. One thing I know for sure is that right now I have to just feel it. Sad songs are a must. Whiskey helps too. Good friends who are patient, who listen, but don’t pry are crucial.

I need to be kinder to myself. Like, hey that was really shitty and you didn’t deserve it, but it happened and you get to be sad, mad and hurt for a while. You are still worth loving. You are still enough. These are the things I will tell myself and I refuse to spend time with anyone who chooses to see the worst in me or makes me feel as though I’m not enough. Kindly, fuck off. I have no time for that. At 39, I have started what I believe to be the second half of my life. I refuse to live it any other way than fully. I know my worth, I know my heart. I deserve everything that I am willing to give. Nothing is worth my peace of mind. I have fought too hard to have it.

Please don’t worry, I won’t be holed up in my room crying myself to sleep. I will just be more aware of what I need to do for my healing. I also won’t be talking about it with each person who asks. Remember, I’m an introvert when it comes to my feelings and processing them. However, if you want to cheers a shot of Whiskey or recommend a good song that gets you in the feels (you know who you are), fire away.

Shut Up, You’re Weird Too

As much as I like the fun part of holidays, can I just say that I am so happy they’re over? Of course I can, I’m the boss of me. I think holidays make people crazy, rather, they bring out the crazy. What is that? Is it being reminded of bad memories past? The impending doom of spending time with relatives? Is your creepy uncle coming to Christmas dinner? I mean, WHAT?!

It’s fine, we all have our reasons for wishing the holidays away. Mine would be the crowds of people. They are everywhere, and they bring their crying babies with them. Isn’t this time of year hard enough without your teething infant screaming in the middle of Macy’s? I’m just looking for a sweater, dammit.

I enjoy parts of it. My Mother is an amazing cook and I happen to like my family so that part is easy. I love watching my kids open their gifts. Then, I regret buying things that require batteries, assembly or set up of any kind. Immediately, I turn my daughter and ask her to set up the new Nintendo Switch pretending I’m like a grandmother who doesn’t understand how “email” or “texting” works. She obliges because watching me attempt it would be equally if not more frustrating for her. She’s a good daughter.

When Christmas is finally over, there sits New Year’s like the smug bitch that she is. “New year, new you? Not so fast!”, she shouts.

I burned White Sage throughout the house and carried on with a positive attitude because new beginnings, right?

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Well, I can’t even believe the things people around me have already endured. Jeez, 2018. Simmer down. However, there’s happiness too, some have new houses and new babies (I’ve already advised them on not allowing their infants to tag along to Macy’s). I suppose this is the stuff of life. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows.

The truth is that New Year’s Resolutions are silly. It’s just a date. You want to change something? Umm, change it. It’s not like the Universe is gonna stop you… “Whoa, making a change today? On a school night? I won’t allow it.” Then, you’re struck by lightening to set an example for all the other humans who dare to be so bold as to try to better themselves in the middle of the week.

I’m going to make resolutions and evolve twice monthly so just brace yourself, this will never end. I don’t ever want to stop being curious and will constantly want to try new things. For instance, I had an app on my phone for a solid 5 weeks to help me learn French. Sure, it didn’t last, but “c’est la vei”. I’m now researching the benefits of bone broth and will be making my own in the next week.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Lifetime learners and people who aren’t scared to be who they genuinely are, that’s who I like and want to surround myself with. Yes, tell me about your strange childhood. I live for this shit. Talk to me about your latest epiphany, I wanna know. You had a rough day, but found the silver lining? Let’s talk about it over a beer.

As my good pal and I recently discussed over a shared jar of moonshine, we are all changing and evolving. This is a good thing and something that should never stop because if it did, then what’s the point?

I think we’re here on Earth for two reasons:

To love ourselves and others

To learn what we don’t know

That second one is endless, obviously. And that is the point.

I spent a solid decade learning about myself and reading every book imaginable. I love to learn about others too, this is my jam. If you’re a MBTI nerd like me, I’m an ENFP. If you don’t know what that means…as my good friend says, “Google that shit!” (GTS). I’m a Type Two on the Enneagram. Again, GTS.

As much self-discovery as I’ve done, I still surprise myself. I recently noticed that after a very social weekend, I will suddenly shut down and need no one to talk to me or even breathe in my direction. It’s just too much to bare. I have expended all my extroverted energy. I now need to re-charge and I can’t do that with you in my space. I suppose I’m a Social Introvert, which is weird.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that my Non-New Year’s Resolution is to keep trying new things, keep learning more about myself and others, and just love people. They need it and so do I. I’d also like to go wine tasting. I’ve never been and it seems like the 37 year old thing to do so maybe. We shall see.

I will always crave connection, real connection. If you’re not going to be real with me, I’ll know, and our conversation will be about the weather and last under 5 minutes. I’m not a Meteorologist, I don’t give a shit about the forecast, I just don’t like you. It’s ok, someone else will.

Good luck with your New Year’s Resolutions, everyone! Try being Gluten free, you’ll probably be friend free in 2 weeks, but carry on. Giving up alcohol? Call me when that’s over. I’ll be here for you, but in the meantime, I’ll be over there where they keep the beer. Deciding to try bangs? I’ll caution against it, but still sit next to you. (P.S. you look 5 years old now)

How To Be 37

I just had a birthday. I know, fantastic. I bought myself all the face creams so let’s just not talk about it anymore.

I’ve been catching up on the last few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy as of late. So far I’ve diagnosed two people with Cardiomyopathy, one with Bronchitis and 62 with an attitude problem. A few didn’t take the news well, but whatevs.

We recently attended a Halloween party. I went as an attacked Little Red Riding Hood with a basket full of booze. Duh. I contemplated doing the couple thing, my boyfriend obviously being the Wolf. However, the look of excitement on his face when we found the inflatable Velociraptor costume was just too much to bear. Plus, I was really hoping he’d get a little tipsy and fall over. Then, I could just roll him out the door and back home. Bonus, he’d be encapsulated in this getup all night so when he farted and gassed himself out to the point of unconsciousness, I would see Karma at it’s finest. I’m an amazing person.

Fine, I’m not that great. Still better than some though. For instance..

I saw two women jogging early in the morning and one was wearing a head flashlight. I can’t decide if they were friends jogging together or if the flashlight wearer was chasing the other woman to force her into friendship. She clearly needs a friend to tell her that she looks like a dumb ass. First of all, it wasn’t that dark. Second of all, you’re not a coal miner, ma’am. Take it down a notch.

Or how about the guy who likes to hold the door open and wait for me to walk through at the gym even though I might be a solid 50 feet away. Thank you sir, but I’m going to get my cardio inside the gym and now I feel like I have to awkwardly powerwalk because you have an impatient look on your face like I’m inconveniencing you. Dude, I’ll get my own door.

Enough about others, let’s get back to me. I’m about to cry over this hangnail and I just washed a plastic fork. Send help.
And out of the blue, I decided to watch Eat, Pray, Love. It felt like the 37-year-old thing to do. Clearly, we needed wine and by “we” I just mean me. I watched the movie twice. In a row. I blame the wine.
I’d actually seen it years ago, but I don’t think I got it at the time. Either way, I suddenly have a desire to eat all the pasta in Italy, buy bigger jeans, then attend a wedding in India and finally cry with Javier Bardem about EVERYTHING.

However, there was a quote in there that I loved so very much..

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation.”

I think there are some types of growth that can only come from brokenness. Sometimes we have to be humbled to be open to what we need to learn.

A little bit of the wisdom I picked up over the last year:

Half the time you’re fighting with someone, you’re really fighting with yourself.

Forgiveness is not a chore, but a necessary part of loving someone completely. This means yourself also.

Life’s trials don’t end. One gets solved and another arises. Learning to enjoy life throughout all of the trials is the point.

Don’t miss the point.

There is always room for one more.

Check in on people, they need it more than you think.

You don’t have it all figured out, life will surprise you and about half the time you’ll like it.

I will say “Bless You” up to 3 times when you sneeze. After that, I assume you’re an attention whore and you’re dead to me.

What? I can’t be mature all the time.

Ever feel like you’re not cutting it as a parent? Let me help you out. My son just went to Camp and I sent him with a disposable camera. I’ll be dropping it off to get the pictures developed along with my daughter’s disposable camera from when she went to Camp SIX YEARS AGO. Mother of the year.

I’m going to need you guys to lower your expectations. Thanks.