Let That Shit Go

Staring at the blinking cursor on my computer screen I think, is it possible to have so many things to say that you can say nothing at all? Because I think that’s where I am. Not just in this moment, but in life.

Where do you begin when everything is coming at you from different directions? You don’t. You don’t begin, you stop.

Remove yourself from the chaos and adjust your circle of concern. Sometimes doing nothing and having no response is the best response. The noise of the world has gotten ridiculous and I’m tired of contributing to it.

After seeing a few friends remove themselves from social media and hearing their reasons why, I get it. Opinions are everywhere, judgment is plentiful and it’s usually those with nothing of value to say who talk the most. It’s a constant noise and never ending.

 I find that I am most at peace when I am simply quiet. It’s amazing the things you can see when you quietly observe the habits of others. It’s interesting the way people feel the need to speak about others and render opinions, forgetting their own flaws. It seems to be the human condition to do so. I’m guilty of it, as are you, but I’m also sick to death of it.

I find myself fascinating so I think it’s great when others do too, but just a reminder..

Accepting What Is

I think I have some pretty good friends, but then I see a reflection of myself in a door and notice a piece of my wild, curly hair sticking straight up and realize that I have no friends at all. Thanks a heap, guys. I can’t wait until you have something stuck in between your teeth so I can carry on a long conversation with you, then simply walk away with the satisfaction of knowing I’ve sentenced you to death by embarrassment.

Anywho, I have been listening to a weird sounding German/Canadian man talk to me about The Power of Now and it may be changing my life. Yes, I’m aware it’s very “New Age” and spiritually out there, but if you know me at all then this should be no surprise. Please withhold your judgment. In fact, just pack it away in the box of Hopes and Dreams stored in your parent’s attic. I’m gonna keep listening and then read it old school style, so deal with it. And for the love of God, why does the “Insert” button on the keyboard even exist? WHO is using this button?! And for what purpose? Please don’t answer, I’ve already stopped caring.

As I am attempting not to be so concerned about the future (which is going not great so far by the way), I find myself becoming much more self-aware which actually is great. Sometimes, I think God said, “give Melissa feelings, give her ALL the feelings” and then He did.

I’ve accepted that I just feel things deeper than most people. I know that’s a strange statement coming from me. I’m the sarcastic girl, the anti-social one who would rather talk to your dog than you, but alas I have tear ducts after all. Truthfully, once you’re in my circle of concern, my love knows no bounds. My capacity to forgive is damn near endless (not always a great thing), my loyalty is fierce and I will protect you with everything I have. There is a downside. Sometimes, that same love, loyalty and forgiveness is not returned. Fortunately, I can count on one hand how many times that’s been the case and I have gained wisdom from that pain.

Speaking of pain, let’s get back to The Power of Now. Mind you, I am only a third of the way through and my pal has promised me a book club type of discussion after I read the entire book (which he will soon regret), but I’ve already had some “AHA” moments. One is about pain so here we go…

“The pain you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is.”

Wait, humans are resistant to change and things they don’t want? Whaaa? Just kidding and that may seem like a no brainer, but really think about it. When something we don’t want to happen happens, we don’t tend to be passive and just let it be. We fight. We fight for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it’s a painful change, maybe it’s not what we want and maybe it feels unfair or unjust.

What does our non-acceptance and resistance do though? Does it change the circumstance? Does it change the person? No, it changes nothing. It does however cause a great amount of anxiety, stress, unhappiness and disappointment. Yet still, we resist. I don’t even think it’s on a conscious level, it’s reactionary and illogical. I’m so very guilty of this and believe me; it will take quite some time to kick this habit. However, I will try.

I’m aware of the connection between our minds and our reality. I understand the importance of perspective and what we think, but sometimes I still have trouble accepting what is. Damn my humanness.

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”

That’s a tall order, Tolle…but I will try because it all makes so much sense to me. It speaks to me on the deepest level. The place where my soul is at peace and I know what is true.

Everyone’s truth is different and I’m no expert, but I do know myself very well and I know what I need. The hardest thing for me has always been to stop overthinking and listen to that part inside of me that knows exactly what to do. Call it intuition, God, your subconscious, the Universe…all I know is it’s the truest part of me and the best guide I have.

Proverbs 23:7 says “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..”

“Happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events” – Dalai Lama

No matter what you believe, I think most of us can agree that our thoughts have a great influence over our lives. Those who don’t agree are most likely mouth breathers. Anyway, if you find yourself in a church pew on Sunday mornings, then more power to you and I hope it feeds your soul. You may want to avoid this one though because I’m still confused.

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I never feel the need to explain my beliefs, but when someone is genuinely interested, I do and I’m grateful for the conversation that led me to this book. I’m grateful for people who are open minded and enlightened. I’m grateful every day that I’m alive and have an opportunity to evolve even more. I am far from perfect, but I never want to stop learning or challenging myself and I’ll always be weird so deal with that too.

I’m also grateful for sunshine and music. This gem is from Emeli Sande’s latest album and if you’ve followed my blog, you know I adore her. I love how vulnerable she allows herself to be and the poetic nature of her lyrics. Ok, I’ll stop. Just listen..

I love how much she craves a deeper meaning and connection. I get that, I crave it too. I love that some people are just drawn to one another. It can’t be explained, it just is.

I get that some events and pain are unavoidable and unpredictable, but if there is some pain that we can lessen or avoid by accepting and not resisting what is, I think it’s worth a try. Also, underneath it all I absolutely believe that what’s for me will always be for me.

Wherever your journey takes you, I hope you find what’s meant for you. Choose your humans well.

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Just a tip though, it will never be a pair of Crocs or a man bun. Those aren’t meant for anyone.

The Fierceness of a Woman

I began writing this a couple of days ago. Then, yesterday I learned about a terrible loss. A loss so enormous that everything else seems trivial. There aren’t any words adequate enough nor would they be words for me to say so I will leave it there.

Pain can and will rock all of our worlds at one point or another. I have seen very recently that when it does, we women need to rally around each other. There is a bond, a sisterhood that only exists between women.

A close friend and I were discussing how rare it is to find new friends as women in our 30’s especially because we don’t particularly like many people at all. Actual friends; people you can trust, who you have fun with, who you don’t feel judged by and who will be there when you need them are rare.

There are so many people out there acting like douche canoes that it makes us lose our faith in humanity.

Strength of character, real love, loyalty and trustworthiness seem to be non-existent at times. As I think about the events that have taken place around me and to me over the last several months, I could easily feel defeated, but I don’t. In fact, I am encouraged and inspired.

My faith in God and deciding to have hope has played a tremendous part, but so have the incredible women around me.

Some of us are raising children, pets or both. Some are working full time outside of the home and some are managing a home and family full time. I’ve done both, and believe me, both are full time jobs.

Some are working on relationships, some are flying solo and some are learning how to adjust from one to the other which is no easy feat.

We are all uncertain about what the future holds, but what I see persist in each of us is determination. We have the determination to continue, to get up every day and handle shit. What I have loved most is seeing us protect each other, listen to each other and love each other without judgment. This is who women are.

Don’t get me wrong, I could teach a class titled Petty Bitch 101 and if you cross me or harm anyone I love, you will see that skill set…but that only has to emerge when absolutely necessary. Most of the time, I will simply say a prayer for you; thank the good Lord above that I’m not you and carry on with my happiness.

People will wrong us; treating us unfairly and downright terribly at times. What matters is how we react and that we put ourselves back together in the way that works for us. Sometimes, people take what they want as they tornado through our lives, not thinking for a second or caring about the damage they leave behind. Sometimes, life happens and there is no one to blame.

When a loss is so great or a betrayal so big, you need your people. The people who will stand by you and who will love you through what might be the most difficult thing you’ve ever faced.

And, a note from my Petty Bitch 101 class…you need your people to hate the same people you hate because dammit, they deserve it.

Maybe you need to pack up your ex’s clothes in garbage bags and pour glitter all over them. (The genius behind that one will remain nameless, but is one of my absolute favorite people and should be an inspiration to us all.)

We get hurt, we fall apart and we are entitled to a few cocktails, lots of anger and sadness, but then what?

After that comes the most important part, putting ourselves back together and there is no “right way” to do that.

When someone breaks you or life happens and you fall apart, no one and I mean no one can tell you how to begin again. Only you know what you need and you may not know right away, but one day you will get up and start over. You will laugh again, you will feel inspired again, you will try new things and you will feel genuinely happy again.

I look back at my life and the things I’ve overcome, some things I never thought I would be able to handle or survive and I realize that I am stronger than I ever knew I would have to be.

We will all undoubtedly face even greater challenges and loss, but be encouraged sisters because everything you are surviving now is preparing you and equipping you to overcome anything that is thrown in your path later in life.

As the great Tina Fey said…

I for one am grateful and feel empowered to know that we are not alone and that I am surrounded by amazingly strong women who will continue to get up every day and handle shit. You are doing it with grace, sass and a little kick ass. Whether you are fueled by caffeine, wine, music, vodka, sunshine or all of the above…carry on, ladies.

Let’s encourage each other..

Support each other

Compliment one another

Inspire each other

Make each other laugh

Stand up for each other

And don’t ever lose your fight.

xoxo

 Anti-Social 

I may or may not be a little anti-social, and by that I mean, I am. Long ago I learned that people are annoying and most lack common sense. 

I was a painfully shy child which I now realize was just me choosing to be quiet rather than tell everyone how stupid they were.

Somewhere in my late teens, I decided that I didn’t have to pretend to like everyone. Nor did I have to pretend that they were even somewhat tolerable. This often translated into me being called “stuck up” or a bitch. I didn’t put bitch in quotations because that’s actually true, but I’m not “stuck up” at all.

I don’t think I’m better than others,  I just don’t like them. Maybe you’re somebody else’s cup of tea, but not mine. Although, I would bet that some of you aren’t even a person’s (who is dying of thirst) drop of water because you’re awful.

Some people like to go through life thinking that humans are mostly good and that’s peachy, but not smart. I think humans are always human which means they can be lovely or terrible, fun or dangerous, intelligent or stupid…it’s a gamble. The truth is you just don’t know until you get to know them a little and that’s where you lose me. 

I don’t really want to get to know them. I’ve got plenty of great friends and my family is the most amazing so, no thanks. 

Please don’t sit near me. Please don’t make small talk with me, I’m not even listening. If I avoid eye contact with you, let it go. This girl doesn’t want to chat. 

As DJ Khaled said, “No New Friends”. 

Also, as the great (and sometimes seizure prone) Lil Wayne said, “I’m too old for new friends, but never too rich for new money”.

There you have it. Maybe I’m not anti-social, but selectively social.

Plus, you probably wouldn’t like me anyway. 

Just kidding, I’m the shit.

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By the way, that corner used to be occupied by another interesting character. I’m pretty sure she took over after beating him in a dance off competition. 

P.S. Hugs not Drugs. 

Cyclic Love Syndrome

Cyclic Love Syndrome. Yes, I made it up, but hear me out. You may have heard of cyclic vomiting syndrome and the symptoms are about the same.

It starts like this…

Two people meet. They proceed to:

Fall in lust

Fall in like

Fall in love

Live blissfully for 8.3 seconds

Love and annoy each other for 8.3 months, not always liking each other, but keeping those redeeming moments of lust

Fight

Still love each other

Argue

Kind of like each other

Disagree

Question their own sanity

Fall back in love

LUST

Fight…over the same thing

Fall back in like

Argue….again

Question their partner’s sanity

LUST

Disagree….50 more times

Laugh, lust, like, love…repeat

 

Sound familiar?

If you answered no, go back to watching afternoon talk shows, playing scrabble, or eating your 21 grain toast.

For the rest of us, what in the actual fuck? I mean, seriously. This cycle is true for 90% of the couples I know and love and is definitely true for me.

We tend to do this with the same person again and again and again. Why not just call it a day and start annoying somebody new?

I think it’s got something to do with some kind of weird chemistry that connects you to another person. Sure, over time you build a life and memories together which bonds you even more, but it’s more than that. There’s something that draws you back to someone and makes you want to drive them completely insane again and again. If that’s not love, I don’t know anything! (Which is quite possible)

Is there a down side? Absolutely. Sometimes, situations get toxic and unhealthy. If the bad outweighs the good by a lot, it might be time to go ruin someone else’s life. However, most of these relationships have enough redeeming qualities (great sex and inside jokes) to carry on and find some middle ground.

It goes something like this. “Look, you are annoying the ever living fuck outta me and I wanna rock your jaw a solid two times a week, but …

You make me laugh like no one else

You’re quite weird, but so am I

You dance like a fool

We’re fun

I like seeing you naked

We take care of each other

There’s nobody else I’d rather steal the covers from..

and, today, you picked your boxers up off the bathroom floor and put them in the hamper. Yay you! See, progress.”

I have zero doubts that he will do something in the next 5 days to make me want to end his Earthly journey, but until then. Amor.

Now, enjoy some of my favorite TV couples because we’ve got to keep a sense of humor and they’ve helped.

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And the most relatable for us personally…

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Real Love

Unfortunately, wisdom is seldom gained any way other than from making stupid choices. I’ve gained quite a bit of wisdom throughout the years. For instance, in fourth grade I learned that short hair wasn’t for me. In fifth grade, I learned that parachute pants would not always be totally awesome. Still having a hard time with that one.

In all seriousness though, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is not to waste my time or my vulnerability on just anybody. The price paid for that mistake is usually a good dose of humility with a side of duh. The flip side is to know when someone is completely worth it.

Is there a way to side step “learning the hard way”? If that exists, I obviously don’t know how it works. It also sounds fairly boring.

Lately, I’ve seen quite a few beautiful, strong, smart women learn the hard way as well. (Thanks, social media!) I say to these women….I appreciate you not leaving me out there on my own. Also, messy loves company and you’re always welcome to sit next to me…unless you don’t drink because then it’s awkward. It’s Sunday brunch; I’m on my third Michelada, you’re drinking orange juice with NO champagne. I don’t get it. That’s not brunch, that’s breakfast. You might as well eat a bowl of Grape Nuts and hey, bring your Reader’s Digest along because if you’re going to be awful, be all the way awful. You and I have nothing in common, sister. Go with God.

However, for you lovely ladies who will Bloody Mary it up in the morning, let’s chat…

What do you attribute your lack of wisdom to in those duh moments? What is it that clouds our judgment?  Can we blame Disney? Although, I never bought into the princess saved by prince charming bullshit, I’d like to blame them for perpetuating that stupidity.

Ok, fine. Here’s what I think it really is…and this might surprise you.

It’s not just the guy’s fault. I know. Don’t ban me from the girls club for life. I’ll still wear pink on Wednesdays!

Men and women meet through all sorts of circumstances and very often, things don’t work out. It’s what happens afterwards that has me puzzled. Fingers get pointed, usually the middle ones. It’s like someone has to be blamed. People can’t just walk away and move on. Why? Simple, we’re hurt, sad, angry, and defensive. 

Most of all, we’re disappointed. This goes for both people in the situation. You thought the other person was better, more than who they turned out to be. Maybe you were looking past their flaws because you wanted it to work so badly and everything was so perfect those amazing first 3 weeks.

If you happen to be in this perfect stage right now, let me burst your bubble a little. That guy/girl who seems damn near perfect right now, farts. OMG. I know! They even poop…and it does not smell like roses.  Someday, they’re going to steal the covers and monopolize Netflix time. Imagine the horror!  They won’t always hang on every word you say or think everything you do is adorable and that’s exactly when it gets beautiful. Pick your jaw up off the floor and focus.

The truth is sometimes it doesn’t work out with someone because they’re not your person, plain and simple. They’re not your lobster. (If you don’t get that reference, you need to rethink all of your life choices) You just might need to call it, soak up the wisdom you’ve gained, and move on. 

The other truth is that some people want easy. They don’t want messy, they don’t want real. Those people are missing out. Beyond the annoyances of sharing a bathroom, having miscommunications, and accepting the other person’s flaws is real love. Real love is harder to find because it isn’t found at all, it’s created. It’s waking up every day and deciding to love an imperfect person because they’re worthy of your love and for some reason they think you’re worthy of love too. 

Loving another person completely is accepting them as they are with no agenda to try and change them. If you’re wondering if you’ve found the right person, ask yourself, can you live forever with them the way they are today? That shouldn’t take you more than 15 seconds to answer. I’ll wait……aaaannnd time. There’s your answer.

Real isn’t always glamorous, it’s real. It’s boxers on the bathroom floor, clean sheets on Sunday, helping kids with homework, stupid inside jokes, and being happy that he remembered to put the trashcan out on Wednesday night. That’s the good stuff.

No matter what, you can never love somebody if you don’t love yourself. That sounds cliché, but it’s completely true. The capacity to which you can accept another person cannot exceed the capacity to which you accept yourself. The same is true with love and forgiveness. To me, those three things are what a healthy relationship is; love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Loyalty and trust go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway. If you want what is real, you’ll need all five.

I have by no means perfected any of this by the way, but it is my truth and what I will continue to live by and strive for.