Midnight Margaritas

The news is devastating. It’s hard to escape the hateful nature of some, but since reality bites, let me tell you about my lame Friday night and the fact that I still believe in magic.

Spoiler: I watched Practical Magic again.


Just so you know, I belong in the above scene. I want to be woken up for Midnight Margaritas and I already regularly dance through my kitchen. That is the stuff of happiness. I also believe in magic, practical and non-practical.

I burn white sage to clear out negative energy.  I coat my doorway in peppermint oil and even brew a few mixtures from time to time. I don’t care what you think.

This movie probably seems silly to most, but there’s quite a bit of solid wisdom hidden throughout the spells, potions, murder and margaritas.
Gilly may be one of my most favorite characters Nicole Kidman has ever played. After falling for a seductive, intense man who eventually turns destructive and toxic, she doles out this perspective to her niece.

“Well that’s what love is like. It makes your heart race, it turns the world upside down. But if you’re not careful, if you don’t keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can’t see what’s happening to the people around you. You can’t see that you’re about to fall.”

Damn. Ain’t that the truth.

She may have buried her way too intense boyfriend in the yard with the help of her sister Sally (who actually murdered him), but that’s all beside the point.
The connection the sisters share is part of why I love the movie so much. Women can be such beautifully strong, intuitive creatures and even more so when we find our tribe. There is power in numbers and immeasurable strength when we choose to support and lift each other up…and maybe help hide a body.

Check in on your girlfriends, hug them, share what you’re learning in life. It means more than you know and we all need it. Simply knowing you’re not alone can change everything.

Sometimes we need someone to grab us by the shoulders and say, “Listen, you beautiful mess of a human, you’re amazing and deserve a great life so get your shit together and stop settling for less. P.S. I love you.”

We all struggle. We are all hurting. Very recently I’ve learned that even the people you think have it all together, don’t. Trust me, they’ve cried in the shower too.

It’s my favorite to talk to my girlfriends and realize they’re just as weird as I am. Well, almost.

As I was home on Friday night, my boyfriend was out with the guys and I sent him this lovely text..

Don’t feel bad for him. He woke me up last night to ask where the ibuprofen was because it wasn’t on his nightstand. God forbid he walk over to my nightstand and look for it with his eyeballs! For the love.

I said I wanted to be woken up for Midnight Margaritas, not help you find something.

However,  I did come out of the shower earlier that night and made him promise me that if we ever break up, he’ll never bring his new girlfriend to our fave hang out spot, even if he marries her. I did this FOR NO REASON. So I probably gave him a headache, but still.

Truthfully, he laughed and said, “ok, baby”. Which is even worse. He’s become immune to my crazy and probably knows I’m pmsing. Sweet baby Jesus, someone should put me down.

Day 13,428

It’s day 13,428 here on Earth for me (yes, I Googled it) and I’ve realized that I don’t know much.

For instance, there are soft serve Ice Cream Trucks. I had no idea. I won’t partake anyway given my lack of tolerance for the Lactose, but still.

Did you know that if you don’t press “send”, your text will just sit there? I know, weird. Seems like after a certain amount of time it would say to itself, “I’m pretty sure Mel just got distracted and meant to press send, let me help a sister out” then proceed to send it…but no. The next time you think you’re being ignored, might want to check on that first. However, if you’re awful, you probably are being ignored. Asshole.

Yesterday, I found out that my friend paid real American dollars to have her Chinchilla cremated years ago. She then proceeded to spread his ashes at the beach, at the end of a pier to be precise. Here’s how that went:

Me: You spread his ashes at the beach…because that’s where he was from?

Her: No, but he would have loved the beach.

Me: I’m sure he would have, had he lived to experience it..

Her: It wasn’t my fault!

This only leads me to believe that it was, in fact, her fault.

That conversation prompted another friend to reveal the mysterious circumstances surrounding a certain cockatiel’s death in the late 90’s. Cause of death is still TBD. Somebody call Ace Ventura because my pals appear to be some shady characters.

Jeez. You think you know someone.

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There’s nothing I hate more than bathroom conversation. I don’t mean poop talk. We can talk about poop and farts for days. Just last night my boyfriend let one rip and I looked at him and asked, “tacos?” because this is who we are now.

By bathroom conversation, I’m referring to actual talking in the restroom. Look, I don’t care how your day is going and you don’t care about mine either. I’m like a man when shopping, I’m on a mission. I came in with a purpose and that purpose is to pee. Your blouse is lovely Kathy with a “K”, but I’m not going to ask where you bought it. I’m washing my hands and I’m out!

PSA: Y’all better be washing your hands or I’m gonna have to tell you about yourself.

I may not always be the smartest person in the room, but even I know not to throw a banana peel away in a common area especially when the trash isn’t taken out daily, sir. NOBODY wants to smell your banana day after day after day and that goes for your other banana too. I don’t need to deal with that. I already bring a banana to work in the morning and it stares at me all day making me feel guilty until I eat it. I’ve got enough problems.

For example, every time it’s quiet I start humming one of two things: a Paula Abdul song or the Three’s Company theme song. WHY? Straight up, now tell me!! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, I’m just thinking about a Thigh Master and how I don’t actually want anyone to come and knock on my door.

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I’m starting to think that the effects of Benadryl last long after the Benadryl is out of my system. I can’t focus on any one thing.

Anyway, people with extremely long torsos freak me out. It must be strange to be that tall, but get everywhere slowly because of your short legs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

There was a crazy lady downtown today just yelling, “stupid, stupid girls!” over and over. It was sad, but also got me thinking about what phrase I’ll yell over and over again if I go crazy. I think it would be something like, “Just clear the unused time off the microwave, you manimal!” Seriously though, why would just leave it? It’s one more button to press….says the girl who forgets to push send on text messages.

And for the love of God, Gee-off just change the spelling of your name to Jeff like a normal person. I don’t know why your parents hated you from the start, but you’re ruining everyone’s day. I can’t tell my phone to accept it as a word because I have standards.

Another thing, why do doctors always return your call the minute you walk away from your phone? It’s like they know. Assholes.

I’m a little concerned that a strand of my hair is going to turn up at a murder scene one day because I lose so much of it randomly. How I still have a full head of hair is beyond me.

I’m incredibly concerned about my inability to grow up, but my pal sent me this earlier today saying it reminded her of me so at least I’m understood. Crazy, but understood.

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