20 Days

I recently took 20 days off work. They say it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. Damn, so close.

It was quite life changing. When you are so used to being “on” and busy, a large amount of free time is a foreign concept. It took about five days for me to stop clenching my jaw and stop thinking about work, but then it was like, “what job?”

I slept. A lot.

My house is incredibly clean and organized. My boyfriend no longer owns any socks with holes and can actually find a matching pair. If I ask my kids to organize one more thing, they may volunteer to run away and join the circus. My dogs are still thrilled with me though, so does anything else really matter? I think not.

I cooked 427 different recipes and have considered starting my own cooking show.  I also learned that Home Goods is dangerous and I need a Sponsor in my life to call when I’m feeling weak…

“I know, Donna, but this frame is the perfect addition to the hallway. What’s that? Yes, I realize it’s the same exact color as the last one, but this one has a more weathered look and it.…uh-huh. Ok, I’ll think about it for another day. Thanks, Donna. You’re a real one.” (Hangs up the phone and puts the purchased frame in the car because let’s be honest, nobody is gonna boss me.) I don’t know a “Donna”, but it seems like a solid name and I’ve been non-stop watching the show Suits. I am pretty much a corporate lawyer now. Feel free to contact me for any legal advice, quips about your character, snide comments or to devise the most underhanded devious plot ever made.

Truthfully, the time off reminded me that my life outside of work is filled with so much LOVE. I genuinely love and enjoy the people in my life; my kids are amazing, my parents are super heroes, my boyfriend is my soul partner and my friends are better than yours.

I listened to and watched the news yesterday. I haven’t watched the news for more than five minutes in over 6 years. Can I just say, holy shit. I can’t believe you guys have been living like this. What even?

Life got really serious for me and I just sort of stopped participating in “reality” outside of the world I created for myself. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I think my soul knew I needed to retreat for a while. It’s fine, you all did well without me. After this break, I feel like I’m ready to know things about the world again. Not too much though. I can’t be that serious and most of you are taking things seriously enough for us both.

Let’s see, what else…

I did finish a couple of books and received a couple more so the stack on my nightstand remains nine books high and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I diagnosed and cured myself of two conditions. (Just prepping for the return of Grey’s Anatomy.)

Definitely ate too much cheese.

Cleaned my pores.

Talked about movies, shows, food, poop and farts way too much.

Also, I decided that in our group this is what it would look like if a few of us planned an intervention for one of us. Enjoy.


Happy New Year.

You’re Wearing White, Aren’t You?

You’re wearing white, aren’t you?

Dammit, Donna. You know the rules. Much like an awful ex, Labor Day is behind us.

I’m kidding. I care zero much about these things.

I spend my time on important matters, like anxiety and creating terrifying scenarios in my mind that will never take place.

Truthfully, I’ve been watching quite a few documentaries lately, listening to podcasts and going to the gym on a regular basis. What is this life? I promise not to start eating a high fiber cereal in the morning. However, I will keep singing the praises of Quinoa. Don’t try to stop me.

Oh shit, I just remembered that I’ve also started posting a “Weekly Menu” on the fridge.

Did I just grow up? Am I an adult now? Is it over? Because I would love to stop paying bills. That would be fantastic.

I won’t even go into the “meal prep” I did this week because you can’t even.

I did finish one of the five books I’d started so I’m feeling fairly accomplished. I’m determined to finish one of the other four before picking up a new one which is killing me because Jen Hatmaker’s new book came out last month and I have yet to even smell the pages. Days are hard.

I find myself mumbling, “Could you not?” more and more with each passing day. I’m already living in a perpetually unimpressed state of mind so…no, please don’t. It’s doesn’t matter what it is, just don’t. I’d rather not. I am far too busy creating a list of all the new Fall shows I’ll be watching.

And that is all I will be watching because the news is such a bummer. It’s all a bit too serious these days what with the Earth being destroyed by that “Mother Nature” bitch and our country being led by someone who is essentially a troll in a permanent state of “Brain Fog” and assaults my ear holes with his stupidity. It’s all stupid. I don’t accept.

Anyway, come over with me to the Petty Corner for a minute…

You know how some women forget to stay in their lane? They get a little adventurous and begin to slowly drift into yours, mistakenly thinking that you’re passive then you have draw an incredibly clear boundary. Of course you do. We’ve all experienced this at one point or another.

I’ve been tempted to remind a couple of them exactly who they’re dealing with, but I decided to draw that line and carry on knowing that Karma would handle them. Well, it was brought to my attention that Karma did in fact handle it and while I don’t endorse harming another individual, I can understand how that would come to pass.

Stay in your lane. There are plenty of available men for you to unleash your insanity on. Go to town, sister. Stop learning the hard way. Bless your heart.

Ok, out of the Petty Corner.

Ugh, I kinda miss it. It was cozy and catty there. I’m sure I’ll head back soon enough and might I add, I love that you can join me there. We are cut from the same mold, you and me.

We’re 90% Women Empowerment / “you go, girl!” and 10% “watch your step before I have to remind you who the fuck I am”. I like us, we’re lovely.

Attitude Problem

Gardeners, racing a Postman, and the original Spelling. Enjoy the chronicles of April 19th, 2017.

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Sugar Tits

Somebody named “Sugar Tits” started following me on Twitter today so I’d say things are definitely moving in the right direction. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m making the right decisions in life and little signs like this confirm that I absolutely am.

Keeping a sense of humor these days is crucial. I work for the government, “The Man”. To make matters worse, my particular field is kind of in politics – as in , I don’t give a shit about it, but we’re surrounded by politicians, regulations, and legal jargon. I know it sounds awful, but I actually love my job…most of the time.

However, I’m realizing more and more that we are surrounded by COMPLETE MORONS. They have zero logical thinking capabilities. If I can’t reason with someone, I just make fun of them because I’m mature.

Laughing keeps me on the right side of sanity most days. If it’s funny, inappropriate, and slightly offensive, I’m all about it.

To the New Yorker who came into our office this week wearing a fanny pack and loudly told us that she was “Absahloootlee Disscaahssstid” that she had to come down there because of what had been going on in the “Rahpublicaan Paahtee” and she just “has to vote fah Mr. Truuump”,

Ma’am, I assure you, we are equally disgusted that you had to come in to see us as well.

Some thoughts on the Republican party from Frankie on Twitter:

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As I was shopping at Target for the second(third) time in a week, I realized that I do this on a regular basis…

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Humans are so weird, myself included. What the hell? We’re touching a gross cart and pushing it around, but yes I’m sure the piece of paper inside of it is what’s contaminated. Dumb.

For those of you who aren’t weird and don’t do that..

Tina-Fey-giving-herself-high-five.gif

Way to go, you sound boring.

 

I don’t want you to leave here without something substantial. A little nugget of wisdom, if you will. Clearly, I have none of that for you, but Mr. Feeny on the other hand..

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Be weird, be funny, just don’t be a wiener…no fanny packs and don’t vote for Trump.

And now, I’m going to go drink on my Parent’s patio like a real adult.

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