Telling Stories

If you start telling me a story that you’ve told me more than once, I will join you and we will say it together, in unison. I have a hard-enough time paying attention to anybody at any time for any reason so try to keep it entertaining. A few lovely individuals have shared some real gems with me.

These stories are not only entertaining, but they also explain why I’m friends with these women…

Let’s say you woke up late, quickly got your kid ready for school, got in the car and rushed to the drop off line. Feeling disheveled, but relieved that he made it relatively on time, you run around to his door to let him out and say goodbye. Maybe you got a few side eyes because you didn’t have time to fix your hair. Jeez. You think about how other parents can be so judgmental, then pull into your garage. As you walk into your room, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and then you see it. See through pants. This wouldn’t be so bad if you had been wearing anything underneath them, but of course you weren’t. You have now gone to third base with the Assistant Principal, the Yard Duty teacher, a few parents and their kids.

I advised her that she may need to register as some kind of offender. I’m not sure what category this falls into.

Next up, a gold medalist in embarrassing herself and sharing it with me. Why she continues to give me weapons for my arsenal even though she knows I will use it later, I’ll never know.

Equality is important. When having a gathering at your home and everyone is drinking out back, why should women have to go inside to pee while the guys just walk over to a bush?? It seems unfair so maybe it’s time you took a stand or popped a squat. That is exactly what she did. Dropping trou and wisely bracing herself against the stucco wall in her backyard, she relieved herself like the lady she is. If only she didn’t have to pee for so long. She will forever be reminded of her bravery by the long scratches, blood and bruising she incurred on her backside. Not to mention, splashing into the puddle that accumulated just underneath her. Step aside bra burners, nobody puts baby in a corner! Bless your heart.

The following story is the one I can relate to the most.

Amazon is an addiction. We woman know this, we struggle. Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that you’ve had a few adult beverages and decide to do a little Amazon shopping. What could go wrong? Everything. All the things can go wrong. Sometimes it works out and you get a lovely surprise gift to yourself from yourself and sometimes you buy personalized gifts for your husband with his name misspelled. Hopefully, one day, he’ll stop asking you who in the hell Jafon is.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t want to hear about how having Irritable Bowel Syndrome has been a real challenge for you, but I REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. However, if you crap your pants, absolutely tell me. That’s the shit I live for.

I feel a little hypocritical because I will listen to some people’s stories over and over and never tire of them. I love these humans so it’s ok. My boyfriend tells the story of living in a cave in Spain with a donkey and something about a gypsy and it thrills me to no end. As soon as he says it, people look at me for confirmation that this is factual. I nod and say, “I know, it’s crazy, but it’s true”. Mind you, I was not there and cannot actually attest to it being true, but I oblige, nonetheless. 

This last one is not from any of my people. This is a disturbing story about a woman who clearly doesn’t know the line between just enough and too much information. By some evil twist of fate, she has come into a portion of my life. I assume this is punishment for every wrong thing I have done in life ever. When I asked how she was doing, she proceeded to tell me about her raging UTI. That seemed bad enough, but it did not end there. While making small talk with a pal of mine, she was again asked how she was doing and her response was, “you know, JUST LIVING ON VAGISIL”.

WHY??

This is information that nobody needs. What kind of response should one have to that Vagina Monologue? “Well, you’re in my prayers”? Our Lord and Savior doesn’t want to know that. The angels covered their holy ears. The devil himself is blocking your entrance to hell because it’s JUST TOO MUCH. I need you to never speak about your nether regions in the presence of others.

I’ve taken the liberty of reporting you to Homeland Security because if this isn’t terrorism, I don’t know what is.

You Spelled Dumb Wrong

You spelled dumb wrong.

One of my favorite memories is when my then 8-year-old daughter texted me (yes, she had a phone, blame her father) that her older sister was dumm. I wish a had taken a picture and framed it or at the very least, included it in her Memory Book. It was hilarious to me. It’s ok for 8-year-olds to misspell dumb, but when adults do it, it hurts my feelings.

I have been known to Google some words to be sure I’m spelling them correctly, but they are a bit more complex. There are just some basic words adult humans should know how to spell. I earned second place in the 4th Grade Spelling Bee, hold your applause. Based on these credentials, I think it’s safe to say I’m a bit of an authority on the subject. Before you ask, I lost to a boy named Aaron. The irony is not lost on me, losing to someone whose own name is misspelled. By all accounts, I turned out way cooler than A-A-ron so it’s fine. I’m not bitter at all. However, you can bet your ass that I will challenge him to a rematch if ever he has the courage to cross my path. Side note, why would anyone bet their ass? What a weird saying. Really? There’s no other body part you’d be willing to lose? Not even a pinky?

Misspelling words is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s also the annoyance of misusing words.

For instance, then and than:

I’m going to teach people this, THEN tell them how much cooler I am THAN them. You see? Easy.

There’s also a part and apart:

I wanted you to be A PART of the cool kids club, but we’re sitting so far APART from each other because you don’t smell great.

Another one is damn and dam:

If I have to explain this one more DAMN time, I will throw you on the other side of the DAM and your Momma dresses you funny.

I think that was pretty clear and a few of you may have learned something new today. Shit.

New and knew:

I told you I liked your NEW car before I KNEW you were going to tell me every detail about the process of buying it.

Alright, that’s a wrap. Dammit.

Wrap and Rap:

Everyone knows I can WRAP a present perfectly while I RAP a Lil Wayne song.

Words are my jam, so I realize that I care more about this THAN most. I’m sure there’s something you feel passionately about. Perhaps you get upset when people confuse Star Wars and Star Trek characters. Some of you just felt the force and almost went full Klingon on me. I don’t really know what a Klingon is, but they sound like they just sort of follow you everywhere.

Moving on. I have to tell you that something pretty disturbing happened recently and I feel personally attacked. I begged a friend to save me from what was happening, but she was too busy rapping along to Nelly’s song #1 and could not be bothered. As she was jammin, I was being subjected to what I can only describe as a delusional monologue of epic proportions. A human male described for me in detail his progress digestively speaking and how good he felt being thin. No, no, that’s not all. He proceeded to show me how he likes to look at himself up and down in the mirror and what he thinks when he does it, all the while stating that he doesn’t like to brag. He then referred to a particular area near his hip as “Chiseled” while pointing to it.

My facial expression was pretty much this the whole time..

I have no words. I sat in shock as my “friend” was busting a move to some hip hop. Here were my exact texts to her..

SAVE ME

Omg, I CAN’T

SERIOUSLY

WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU??

WHELP, NEVERMIND

I HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH

I’m surely going to suffer long term effects from this experience and quite honestly, I don’t know how I will ever be satisfied by another man. Knowing this humble, chiseled hunk of a man with a healthy gut exists, but isn’t mine is more than I can bear.

Somebody Get God on the Phone

Somebody get God on the phone, I have questions.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I only like six people outside of my family. Can they be off limits?

Tornadoes. Really? I watched the movie Twister 87 times, so I get that they’re fascinating, but they’re destructive and I don’t see the benefit. Unless they only come into contact with people who hurt animals. I’m fine with that.

Why do we have an Appendix if we don’t really need it? Then something goes wrong and the organ you never needed can now cause your death? Cool. Maybe a third lung would have been good or a back up heart. Why not two livers? And did we really need 25 feet of intestines? Now you’ve got all these humans walking around full of shit. Just saying there were options.

Why did you allow the Kardashians to be a thing? Is this because of our sinning? I really would have preferred you smite us with Locusts…again.

Why is everyone focusing on the power struggle between Jon Snow and Daenerys instead of the fact that they slept together and are AUNT and NEPHEW?

Why are they called Pine Nuts instead of Pine Seeds?

Was the boy Monica’s or Brandy’s? I gotta know.

Do all dogs go to heaven? If not, can they come to my house?

Are the beings in other universes as dumb as us or do they call them pine seeds?

Do people who listen to Kid Rock know they don’t have to?

Why are Zingers so delicious?

Why do we lose some of the best humans too early, but the grumpy old assholes live forever?

Is crack actually whack or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

In the end, what takes us out? Is it Romaine lettuce?

How many days were Adam and Eve alive before he called her “crazy” and said she was “overreacting”? That’s probably why she ate the apple. “Oh, you wanna see crazy?! I’ll show you crazy!” Then, boom. Sin. Now we have the Kardashians. Thanks a lot, Adam.

Is hell just a place where the ground is covered in Legos that can’t be moved and nobody has shoes? Can you smell delicious food all day, but it’s not there, it’s just the aroma coming from Heaven? And every day a plate of cookies labeled “Chocolate Chip” is placed in front of you, but they’re really Oatmeal Raisin? And every person is a mouth breather? If not, maybe it should be.

Before you start answering these questions, don’t. Are you God? Do you sound like Morgan Freeman? I didn’t think so. Go eat your string cheese and leave the big conversations to the grown-ups.

I’d like to end this on a positive note so…

Thanks for:

My Kids – Seriously, top notch. Extra thanks for making them look like me.

Sleep

My Family – Loving, smart, clever, good looking…really, I feel sorry for people who aren’t us.

The Sun (even though it will eventually kill us, nice touch btw)

Memes

Good People – all 6 of them

The “Ignore” button on my phone (and in my head)

Sex – some of your best work

Intuition – no jokes, it saves me

Chocolate (no nuts, obviously)

Dogs

Coffee (except decaf)

Flying dreams

Sea Otters

Humor – I think most days you must roll your eyes at me and maybe even sometimes laugh, but don’t forget that you made me and it’s pretty much your own fault. You chose this life. 

Russians, Naps and Leafy Greens

Do you know what sounds like a lot of fun? A nap. Who’s with me? Seriously, I’m down to grab my favorite blanket and pillow and sleep peacefully next to you. There are some rules. Stay on your side. No snorers allowed. Don’t wake your nap buddy up unless they are in imminent danger. When you are both awake, conversation must be kept to a minimum and can only consist of what to watch or what to eat. Both will be happening, neither of you are ready for the world yet. Waking up is hard. A second nap is always an option, but not mandatory. It is not necessary that your nap buddy participate in nap number two with you. You are free to slumber alone.

I was having a blissful slumber myself in the wee early hours of the morning when suddenly I was jolted awake by what can only be described as the smell of death or death that has rotted. If you guessed that my boyfriend was to blame, then you would be correct. When I texted him hours later to let him know that his fart on steroids almost took me out, his response was and I quote, “Sorry babe, it was a Spinach fart”. A Spinach fart? I had no idea there was such a thing, but the man loves his Spinach and ate an entire bowl yesterday. Ok, Popeye….NEVER AGAIN.

When I’m not thinking about napping or food or surviving farts, I’m learning to speak Russian these days. Before you say it, I know it’s a difficult language. Duh. I love it! I’ve already learned 140 words and it’s been less than three weeks. My friends are slightly annoyed, but I don’t care. I can call them names and they won’t even know, so who’s the real winner here?

Why Russian, you ask? Or maybe you didn’t ask because you’re selfish and only think about yourself. Give that some thought.

I have been interested by my Ancestry since I was a kid. I always loved hearing family stories and knowing where I come from is important to me. I’m fascinated by the Russian side, so I decided to try out learning another language. My brain gets bored and I always want to learn something new. Turns out, I catch on pretty damn quickly. I’m already fluent in Spanglish which was motivated by listening to my Mother and Aunts start a conversation in English and ending it in Spanish. My little cousin and I were left clueless as to the gossip. In the words of The Dude, “This aggression will not stand!”… so we learned enough to know the “tea” (as kids these days say). Try not to be floored by my level of cool.

I have already nicknamed one friend a potato in Russian which he loves, obviously. Another friend got sick of my shit and has decided to learn with me! We will surely annoy all the folks in all the lands and I could not care less. Peasants is what I’ll call them, Garbage Kids even. Don’t feel bad for them. They have earned my wrath.

Listen, you guys take care. Go learn something new. Let me know if you want to nap sometime and for the love of God, STAY AWAY FROM THE SPINACH.

Reasons Why I’m Late

This goes out to all my punctual friends and family….

First, I’m sorry. I know the concept of time is important to you, but it’s just not to me. I don’t get it. Are you competing for an award? Is this like when you were in grade school and received a certificate for never missing a day of school? Because that sounds about as much fun as being on time anywhere for anything. Have you heard of the Internet or Memes?

Reasons I’m always late:

Instagram.

Waking up is hard.

I don’t want to go wherever it is I have to go.

The baby hairs on the right side of my head that refuse to cooperate.

Am I getting enough Magnesium? Better Google it right the hell now and find out.

My brain. More specifically, ideas of new things to try, create, cook or research. Pinterest is gasoline to this fire.

Cleaning up things around the house that are minor and can definitely wait until later, but how great will it be to come home later and it’s already done? Pretty damn great.

My dogs giving me a look that says, “Leaving our sight for more than 2 minutes will make us feel abandoned and unloved. Do you want that on your conscience? Do you!?”

My vanity mirror shouting at me about the 3 eyebrow hairs I missed while plucking.

Where is that shirt I haven’t worn in 8 months, but would be just perfect for today? I should bypass the other lovely 46 shirt options I have and look for it even though I’m supposed to be there already because What Would Jesus Do? I’ll tell you what He’d do. He would tell the parable of the shepherd leaving 99 sheep behind to go searching for the one lost sheep. That shirt is no less important than the others. What book of the Bible is that story from? Better look it up right now because I will need this is information never. Ah, found the shirt. Nope. Now I know why I haven’t worn it 8 months. I’m going to hang it back up though because what if I feel differently about it in another 8 months?

Is that another freckle? Maybe I’m not protecting my skin from the sun enough. What’s the SPF on my moisturizer? That’s not high enough. Must find a better one on Amazon right this minute because this is a health concern that can’t wait. Oh look, I forgot about the bathroom rugs I saved in my cart for later. Do we really need to replace them yet? Maybe I should wash them again and see how they look after that. Gotta put them in the washer immediately because what if the washer goes missing or worse, gets stolen? How safe are we really? Maybe I should look into those cameras you can set up on your porch. I bet Amazon has some. Hopefully on Prime. I’ll check it out.

Facebook notification. Oh, it’s that guy from high school’s birthday. I should say happy birthday because he said happy birthday to me on my birthday. Ugh, if I do that then everyone we’re mutual friends with will expect a happy birthday wish and I’m not doing that. They’ll personalize it, think I don’t like them (I don’t) and it will become a thing. Better keep everyone’s expectations low, I don’t want trouble. No birthday wish for him. Guess I can scroll since I’m already on. Wait. An add for a Magnesium supplement? I didn’t even say that out loud. What the… The government can hear my thoughts? Shit. They obviously know I’m habitually late and will rarely have an alibi so they’re going to pin a murder on me to strong arm me into becoming an informant and putting my life on the line. I think I saw a commercial for a new show about that on Amazon Prime. I’ll check it out. Hmm, did I ever order the new moisturizer?

ADD, obviously.

20 Days

I recently took 20 days off work. They say it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. Damn, so close.

It was quite life changing. When you are so used to being “on” and busy, a large amount of free time is a foreign concept. It took about five days for me to stop clenching my jaw and stop thinking about work, but then it was like, “what job?”

I slept. A lot.

My house is incredibly clean and organized. My boyfriend no longer owns any socks with holes and can actually find a matching pair. If I ask my kids to organize one more thing, they may volunteer to run away and join the circus. My dogs are still thrilled with me though, so does anything else really matter? I think not.

I cooked 427 different recipes and have considered starting my own cooking show.  I also learned that Home Goods is dangerous and I need a Sponsor in my life to call when I’m feeling weak…

“I know, Donna, but this frame is the perfect addition to the hallway. What’s that? Yes, I realize it’s the same exact color as the last one, but this one has a more weathered look and it.…uh-huh. Ok, I’ll think about it for another day. Thanks, Donna. You’re a real one.” (Hangs up the phone and puts the purchased frame in the car because let’s be honest, nobody is gonna boss me.) I don’t know a “Donna”, but it seems like a solid name and I’ve been non-stop watching the show Suits. I am pretty much a corporate lawyer now. Feel free to contact me for any legal advice, quips about your character, snide comments or to devise the most underhanded devious plot ever made.

Truthfully, the time off reminded me that my life outside of work is filled with so much LOVE. I genuinely love and enjoy the people in my life; my kids are amazing, my parents are super heroes, my boyfriend is my soul partner and my friends are better than yours.

I listened to and watched the news yesterday. I haven’t watched the news for more than five minutes in over 6 years. Can I just say, holy shit. I can’t believe you guys have been living like this. What even?

Life got really serious for me and I just sort of stopped participating in “reality” outside of the world I created for myself. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I think my soul knew I needed to retreat for a while. It’s fine, you all did well without me. After this break, I feel like I’m ready to know things about the world again. Not too much though. I can’t be that serious and most of you are taking things seriously enough for us both.

Let’s see, what else…

I did finish a couple of books and received a couple more so the stack on my nightstand remains nine books high and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I diagnosed and cured myself of two conditions. (Just prepping for the return of Grey’s Anatomy.)

Definitely ate too much cheese.

Cleaned my pores.

Talked about movies, shows, food, poop and farts way too much.

Also, I decided that in our group this is what it would look like if a few of us planned an intervention for one of us. Enjoy.


Happy New Year.

For My Work Family

Well, I’m still alive. Much to the disappointment of 2 and a half people. Don’t ask about the little guy.

However, I’m sure the rest of you are thrilled to know that the recent Election didn’t take me out. It was close, but I am still a functioning sort-of adult.

Actually, the last couple of months taught me a lot about myself and those in the trenches with me. For instance, humans can go a long time without regular sleep and simply live off caffeine and stress. It’s definitely not healthy or recommended, but it is possible. Also, the media, attorneys and political junkies are THE WORST.

One day you wake up after only sleeping for a total of four hours, due to dreaming about work and endless anxiety, and ask yourself when you became this person whose life is being taken over by a job. Eventually, you get to a stage of acceptance and by “acceptance” I mean that you run out of fucks to give and just do what you gotta do. When the chaos comes to an end (by “end” I mean pause until next time) we realize that the job we do is important, and we stress because we care. We may lose our patience with each other from time to time and get a little grumpy, but we also laugh a lot. And most of us cry at least once….one of us cries a lot more than that. You know who you are and we love you, you big baby.

We learn that we are strong as individuals, but even stronger as a team. Very often, the people who you spend all this time with, become family. We get annoyed with each other and hurt each other’s feelings, but we have each other’s backs. Just don’t ask anyone to pick up bagels for you on break. Too soon?

The other thing I’ve learned is how critical forgiveness is. Doing everything out of a place of love is so important, but what is love without forgiveness? I feel lucky that forgiveness has always come easy to me. I’ll forget I was upset with someone and start talking to them like nothing, and 10 minutes later… ”dammit! I forgot about what they did”. Then, it’s as though it never happened, and life goes on. I’m not sure if it’s because I know I am so far from perfect or because I had examples of what forgiveness looked like growing up, but I can’t hold a grudge to save my life and I’m glad because that shit will make you sick.

I know there is something to be said for professional working relationships and boundaries, but I wouldn’t take back the friendships I have with my work family for anything. I think it comes with some challenges, but the good far outweighs the bad. In just the last couple of days, I have seen the most beautiful example of love, forgiveness, respect and communication. I am so grateful to have people like this in my life.

Our job can be difficult and demanding at times, but not always. As much as we are all looking forward to our much-deserved time off, a part of me will miss seeing them every day…a very small part because I have 20 days off and I’m kinda like, peace out y’all! See you in the New Year.

This year was something else. A lot of us experienced loss and big changes. Even though I am grateful for every day on Earth, I am not sad to say goodbye to 2018.

Cheers to what 2019 may bring.

Fish Out of Water

“If you give a fool enough rope, they hang themselves.” I’ve heard my Mother say this since I was a child. There is something so incredibly transparent about dishonest and disingenuous people. The need they have to show everybody that they are honest and genuine causes them to out themselves. It’s like seeing a fish out of water, struggling to breathe. Overcompensation at it’s worst. It only gets worse if they can’t convince others to believe the best of them.

It is a strange thing to encounter this as an adult and not know exactly how to respond. If I can’t trust you around my significant other or my friends, you’re out. If I’ve caught you in numerous lies, you’re out. If you refuse to take accountability for your actions, you’re out.

Maybe it’s because I’m 37 years old or maybe it’s because I value honesty so much, but I don’t have a tolerance for bullshit. The response I choose is no response. That’s it. You’ll get nothing from me. I will not waste my time or energy on anyone who does not deserve it. I’ve examined the situation, processed it, and determined that none of it is worth my time. TIME is absolutely precious, and we never know how much of it we have.

Meryl Streep said it best….

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me.

I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate.

I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons.

I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement.

Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

Perfectly said.

I feel no need to defend myself against malicious things said about me because they are untrue. Duh.

I don’t have to prove who I am to people who know and love me because they know me. Duh.

I’m so grateful that I’ve had a solid foundation of unconditional love from the start of my time on Earth. It has given me a sense of calm in these situations because I know who I am.

The desire to prove who you are to the world and fighting for others’ love and attention comes from a scarcity mentality that says, “There’s not enough love and attention to go around so I have to fight for my fair share”. It’s sad and untrue. There IS enough love and attention to go around. Everyone is worthy of it and it should be given freely to all of us from the start. I know that isn’t the case, but as an adult you can choose who it is you want to be and what you give your energy to. You don’t have to go on flailing about and gasping for air. Hurting people hurt people and I understand that while sometimes a person’s actions are awful, their intention may not have been. They just don’t know the safety and peace of living in love.

I wish these humans a journey that will lead them to love and acceptance. I, however, will not be their guide because in the words of Danny Glover, “I’m getting too old for this shit”.

Godspeed, little fish.

Definitely, maybe

I thought I was clear, but apparently not. Please don’t talk to me for the first few hours of the day. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I have to be awake and it’s difficult.

Also, please don’t wear your Snuggie to work. Oh, it’s a poncho? Umm, no. At the very least, that is a cape and who are you saving? Nobody. Fucking nobody.

I’m trying to be a nice person, but you people are making this hard. I’m staying centered. I’m burning my Sage. I’m hugging the humans I like. I’ve even eaten Kale twice in the last week. Help a sister out and save your words for someone else. Hold that thought, like, forever. Thanks.

I’m about to become one of those people who creates a Facebook event. I know, but it’s for a good cause. It’s so my girlfriends and I can go eat delicious food and drink adult beverages a month from now because we’re all so damn busy and this is what it’s come to.

I guess being an adult means you have to schedule lunches a month in advance and eat a lot of green leafy vegetables. Nobody tells you that when they’re reading you fairy tales as a child, do they?!

“And then the princess picked her boyfriend’s boxers up off the floor every day for the rest of her life because while his eyesight was good, the hamper was invisible to him.”

Cohabitation is fun. This month alone, I’ve watched 13 movies I couldn’t be less interested in. I get to tell him that he’s using his inhaler wrong and wonder if he’s leaving his trimmed beard hair in the sink because, like the hamper, it’s invisible to him. Write a story about that, Disney.

As though that isn’t hard enough, I go to work and PEOPLE TALK TO ME.

I’m not actually upset about any of this. They are minor annoyances, but I might have an attitude problem. Definitely, maybe.

Confession time: There are six stalls in the bathroom in our building. The fourth one doesn’t lock. There is no way to make it properly lock, it just won’t. I see women walk right in and I say nothing. They usually like to give it 3 or 4 tries before realizing there is no way to lock it. I could have told them, but I find it amusing. I might be an asshole. Definitely, maybe.

Here, watch this little hedgehog try to swim. Act like you don’t love the hell out of it. I dare you.

Shut Up, You’re Weird Too

As much as I like the fun part of holidays, can I just say that I am so happy they’re over? Of course I can, I’m the boss of me. I think holidays make people crazy, rather, they bring out the crazy. What is that? Is it being reminded of bad memories past? The impending doom of spending time with relatives? Is your creepy uncle coming to Christmas dinner? I mean, WHAT?!

It’s fine, we all have our reasons for wishing the holidays away. Mine would be the crowds of people. They are everywhere, and they bring their crying babies with them. Isn’t this time of year hard enough without your teething infant screaming in the middle of Macy’s? I’m just looking for a sweater, dammit.

I enjoy parts of it. My Mother is an amazing cook and I happen to like my family so that part is easy. I love watching my kids open their gifts. Then, I regret buying things that require batteries, assembly or set up of any kind. Immediately, I turn my daughter and ask her to set up the new Nintendo Switch pretending I’m like a grandmother who doesn’t understand how “email” or “texting” works. She obliges because watching me attempt it would be equally if not more frustrating for her. She’s a good daughter.

When Christmas is finally over, there sits New Year’s like the smug bitch that she is. “New year, new you? Not so fast!”, she shouts.

I burned White Sage throughout the house and carried on with a positive attitude because new beginnings, right?

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Well, I can’t even believe the things people around me have already endured. Jeez, 2018. Simmer down. However, there’s happiness too, some have new houses and new babies (I’ve already advised them on not allowing their infants to tag along to Macy’s). I suppose this is the stuff of life. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows.

The truth is that New Year’s Resolutions are silly. It’s just a date. You want to change something? Umm, change it. It’s not like the Universe is gonna stop you… “Whoa, making a change today? On a school night? I won’t allow it.” Then, you’re struck by lightening to set an example for all the other humans who dare to be so bold as to try to better themselves in the middle of the week.

I’m going to make resolutions and evolve twice monthly so just brace yourself, this will never end. I don’t ever want to stop being curious and will constantly want to try new things. For instance, I had an app on my phone for a solid 5 weeks to help me learn French. Sure, it didn’t last, but “c’est la vei”. I’m now researching the benefits of bone broth and will be making my own in the next week.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Lifetime learners and people who aren’t scared to be who they genuinely are, that’s who I like and want to surround myself with. Yes, tell me about your strange childhood. I live for this shit. Talk to me about your latest epiphany, I wanna know. You had a rough day, but found the silver lining? Let’s talk about it over a beer.

As my good pal and I recently discussed over a shared jar of moonshine, we are all changing and evolving. This is a good thing and something that should never stop because if it did, then what’s the point?

I think we’re here on Earth for two reasons:

To love ourselves and others

To learn what we don’t know

That second one is endless, obviously. And that is the point.

I spent a solid decade learning about myself and reading every book imaginable. I love to learn about others too, this is my jam. If you’re a MBTI nerd like me, I’m an ENFP. If you don’t know what that means…as my good friend says, “Google that shit!” (GTS). I’m a Type Two on the Enneagram. Again, GTS.

As much self-discovery as I’ve done, I still surprise myself. I recently noticed that after a very social weekend, I will suddenly shut down and need no one to talk to me or even breathe in my direction. It’s just too much to bare. I have expended all my extroverted energy. I now need to re-charge and I can’t do that with you in my space. I suppose I’m a Social Introvert, which is weird.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that my Non-New Year’s Resolution is to keep trying new things, keep learning more about myself and others, and just love people. They need it and so do I. I’d also like to go wine tasting. I’ve never been and it seems like the 37 year old thing to do so maybe. We shall see.

I will always crave connection, real connection. If you’re not going to be real with me, I’ll know, and our conversation will be about the weather and last under 5 minutes. I’m not a Meteorologist, I don’t give a shit about the forecast, I just don’t like you. It’s ok, someone else will.

Good luck with your New Year’s Resolutions, everyone! Try being Gluten free, you’ll probably be friend free in 2 weeks, but carry on. Giving up alcohol? Call me when that’s over. I’ll be here for you, but in the meantime, I’ll be over there where they keep the beer. Deciding to try bangs? I’ll caution against it, but still sit next to you. (P.S. you look 5 years old now)