How To Be 37

I just had a birthday. I know, fantastic. I bought myself all the face creams so let’s just not talk about it anymore.

I’ve been catching up on the last few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy as of late. So far I’ve diagnosed two people with Cardiomyopathy, one with Bronchitis and 62 with an attitude problem. A few didn’t take the news well, but whatevs.

We recently attended a Halloween party. I went as an attacked Little Red Riding Hood with a basket full of booze. Duh. I contemplated doing the couple thing, my boyfriend obviously being the Wolf. However, the look of excitement on his face when we found the inflatable Velociraptor costume was just too much to bear. Plus, I was really hoping he’d get a little tipsy and fall over. Then, I could just roll him out the door and back home. Bonus, he’d be encapsulated in this getup all night so when he farted and gassed himself out to the point of unconsciousness, I would see Karma at it’s finest. I’m an amazing person.

Fine, I’m not that great. Still better than some though. For instance..

I saw two women jogging early in the morning and one was wearing a head flashlight. I can’t decide if they were friends jogging together or if the flashlight wearer was chasing the other woman to force her into friendship. She clearly needs a friend to tell her that she looks like a dumb ass. First of all, it wasn’t that dark. Second of all, you’re not a coal miner, ma’am. Take it down a notch.

Or how about the guy who likes to hold the door open and wait for me to walk through at the gym even though I might be a solid 50 feet away. Thank you sir, but I’m going to get my cardio inside the gym and now I feel like I have to awkwardly powerwalk because you have an impatient look on your face like I’m inconveniencing you. Dude, I’ll get my own door.

Enough about others, let’s get back to me. I’m about to cry over this hangnail and I just washed a plastic fork. Send help.
And out of the blue, I decided to watch Eat, Pray, Love. It felt like the 37-year-old thing to do. Clearly, we needed wine and by “we” I just mean me. I watched the movie twice. In a row. I blame the wine.
I’d actually seen it years ago, but I don’t think I got it at the time. Either way, I suddenly have a desire to eat all the pasta in Italy, buy bigger jeans, then attend a wedding in India and finally cry with Javier Bardem about EVERYTHING.

However, there was a quote in there that I loved so very much..

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation.”

I think there are some types of growth that can only come from brokenness. Sometimes we have to be humbled to be open to what we need to learn.

A little bit of the wisdom I picked up over the last year:

Half the time you’re fighting with someone, you’re really fighting with yourself.

Forgiveness is not a chore, but a necessary part of loving someone completely. This means yourself also.

Life’s trials don’t end. One gets solved and another arises. Learning to enjoy life throughout all of the trials is the point.

Don’t miss the point.

There is always room for one more.

Check in on people, they need it more than you think.

You don’t have it all figured out, life will surprise you and about half the time you’ll like it.

I will say “Bless You” up to 3 times when you sneeze. After that, I assume you’re an attention whore and you’re dead to me.

What? I can’t be mature all the time.

Ever feel like you’re not cutting it as a parent? Let me help you out. My son just went to Camp and I sent him with a disposable camera. I’ll be dropping it off to get the pictures developed along with my daughter’s disposable camera from when she went to Camp SIX YEARS AGO. Mother of the year.

I’m going to need you guys to lower your expectations. Thanks.

You’re Wearing White, Aren’t You?

You’re wearing white, aren’t you?

Dammit, Donna. You know the rules. Much like an awful ex, Labor Day is behind us.

I’m kidding. I care zero much about these things.

I spend my time on important matters, like anxiety and creating terrifying scenarios in my mind that will never take place.

Truthfully, I’ve been watching quite a few documentaries lately, listening to podcasts and going to the gym on a regular basis. What is this life? I promise not to start eating a high fiber cereal in the morning. However, I will keep singing the praises of Quinoa. Don’t try to stop me.

Oh shit, I just remembered that I’ve also started posting a “Weekly Menu” on the fridge.

Did I just grow up? Am I an adult now? Is it over? Because I would love to stop paying bills. That would be fantastic.

I won’t even go into the “meal prep” I did this week because you can’t even.

I did finish one of the five books I’d started so I’m feeling fairly accomplished. I’m determined to finish one of the other four before picking up a new one which is killing me because Jen Hatmaker’s new book came out last month and I have yet to even smell the pages. Days are hard.

I find myself mumbling, “Could you not?” more and more with each passing day. I’m already living in a perpetually unimpressed state of mind so…no, please don’t. It’s doesn’t matter what it is, just don’t. I’d rather not. I am far too busy creating a list of all the new Fall shows I’ll be watching.

And that is all I will be watching because the news is such a bummer. It’s all a bit too serious these days what with the Earth being destroyed by that “Mother Nature” bitch and our country being led by someone who is essentially a troll in a permanent state of “Brain Fog” and assaults my ear holes with his stupidity. It’s all stupid. I don’t accept.

Anyway, come over with me to the Petty Corner for a minute…

You know how some women forget to stay in their lane? They get a little adventurous and begin to slowly drift into yours, mistakenly thinking that you’re passive then you have draw an incredibly clear boundary. Of course you do. We’ve all experienced this at one point or another.

I’ve been tempted to remind a couple of them exactly who they’re dealing with, but I decided to draw that line and carry on knowing that Karma would handle them. Well, it was brought to my attention that Karma did in fact handle it and while I don’t endorse harming another individual, I can understand how that would come to pass.

Stay in your lane. There are plenty of available men for you to unleash your insanity on. Go to town, sister. Stop learning the hard way. Bless your heart.

Ok, out of the Petty Corner.

Ugh, I kinda miss it. It was cozy and catty there. I’m sure I’ll head back soon enough and might I add, I love that you can join me there. We are cut from the same mold, you and me.

We’re 90% Women Empowerment / “you go, girl!” and 10% “watch your step before I have to remind you who the fuck I am”. I like us, we’re lovely.

Midnight Margaritas

The news is devastating. It’s hard to escape the hateful nature of some, but since reality bites, let me tell you about my lame Friday night and the fact that I still believe in magic.

Spoiler: I watched Practical Magic again.


Just so you know, I belong in the above scene. I want to be woken up for Midnight Margaritas and I already regularly dance through my kitchen. That is the stuff of happiness. I also believe in magic, practical and non-practical.

I burn white sage to clear out negative energy.  I coat my doorway in peppermint oil and even brew a few mixtures from time to time. I don’t care what you think.

This movie probably seems silly to most, but there’s quite a bit of solid wisdom hidden throughout the spells, potions, murder and margaritas.
Gilly may be one of my most favorite characters Nicole Kidman has ever played. After falling for a seductive, intense man who eventually turns destructive and toxic, she doles out this perspective to her niece.

“Well that’s what love is like. It makes your heart race, it turns the world upside down. But if you’re not careful, if you don’t keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can’t see what’s happening to the people around you. You can’t see that you’re about to fall.”

Damn. Ain’t that the truth.

She may have buried her way too intense boyfriend in the yard with the help of her sister Sally (who actually murdered him), but that’s all beside the point.
The connection the sisters share is part of why I love the movie so much. Women can be such beautifully strong, intuitive creatures and even more so when we find our tribe. There is power in numbers and immeasurable strength when we choose to support and lift each other up…and maybe help hide a body.

Check in on your girlfriends, hug them, share what you’re learning in life. It means more than you know and we all need it. Simply knowing you’re not alone can change everything.

Sometimes we need someone to grab us by the shoulders and say, “Listen, you beautiful mess of a human, you’re amazing and deserve a great life so get your shit together and stop settling for less. P.S. I love you.”

We all struggle. We are all hurting. Very recently I’ve learned that even the people you think have it all together, don’t. Trust me, they’ve cried in the shower too.

It’s my favorite to talk to my girlfriends and realize they’re just as weird as I am. Well, almost.

As I was home on Friday night, my boyfriend was out with the guys and I sent him this lovely text..

Don’t feel bad for him. He woke me up last night to ask where the ibuprofen was because it wasn’t on his nightstand. God forbid he walk over to my nightstand and look for it with his eyeballs! For the love.

I said I wanted to be woken up for Midnight Margaritas, not help you find something.

However,  I did come out of the shower earlier that night and made him promise me that if we ever break up, he’ll never bring his new girlfriend to our fave hang out spot, even if he marries her. I did this FOR NO REASON. So I probably gave him a headache, but still.

Truthfully, he laughed and said, “ok, baby”. Which is even worse. He’s become immune to my crazy and probably knows I’m pmsing. Sweet baby Jesus, someone should put me down.

Day 13,428

It’s day 13,428 here on Earth for me (yes, I Googled it) and I’ve realized that I don’t know much.

For instance, there are soft serve Ice Cream Trucks. I had no idea. I won’t partake anyway given my lack of tolerance for the Lactose, but still.

Did you know that if you don’t press “send”, your text will just sit there? I know, weird. Seems like after a certain amount of time it would say to itself, “I’m pretty sure Mel just got distracted and meant to press send, let me help a sister out” then proceed to send it…but no. The next time you think you’re being ignored, might want to check on that first. However, if you’re awful, you probably are being ignored. Asshole.

Yesterday, I found out that my friend paid real American dollars to have her Chinchilla cremated years ago. She then proceeded to spread his ashes at the beach, at the end of a pier to be precise. Here’s how that went:

Me: You spread his ashes at the beach…because that’s where he was from?

Her: No, but he would have loved the beach.

Me: I’m sure he would have, had he lived to experience it..

Her: It wasn’t my fault!

This only leads me to believe that it was, in fact, her fault.

That conversation prompted another friend to reveal the mysterious circumstances surrounding a certain cockatiel’s death in the late 90’s. Cause of death is still TBD. Somebody call Ace Ventura because my pals appear to be some shady characters.

Jeez. You think you know someone.

Screenshot_20170726-170803

There’s nothing I hate more than bathroom conversation. I don’t mean poop talk. We can talk about poop and farts for days. Just last night my boyfriend let one rip and I looked at him and asked, “tacos?” because this is who we are now.

By bathroom conversation, I’m referring to actual talking in the restroom. Look, I don’t care how your day is going and you don’t care about mine either. I’m like a man when shopping, I’m on a mission. I came in with a purpose and that purpose is to pee. Your blouse is lovely Kathy with a “K”, but I’m not going to ask where you bought it. I’m washing my hands and I’m out!

PSA: Y’all better be washing your hands or I’m gonna have to tell you about yourself.

I may not always be the smartest person in the room, but even I know not to throw a banana peel away in a common area especially when the trash isn’t taken out daily, sir. NOBODY wants to smell your banana day after day after day and that goes for your other banana too. I don’t need to deal with that. I already bring a banana to work in the morning and it stares at me all day making me feel guilty until I eat it. I’ve got enough problems.

For example, every time it’s quiet I start humming one of two things: a Paula Abdul song or the Three’s Company theme song. WHY? Straight up, now tell me!! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, I’m just thinking about a Thigh Master and how I don’t actually want anyone to come and knock on my door.

Screenshot_20170726-123336

I’m starting to think that the effects of Benadryl last long after the Benadryl is out of my system. I can’t focus on any one thing.

Anyway, people with extremely long torsos freak me out. It must be strange to be that tall, but get everywhere slowly because of your short legs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

There was a crazy lady downtown today just yelling, “stupid, stupid girls!” over and over. It was sad, but also got me thinking about what phrase I’ll yell over and over again if I go crazy. I think it would be something like, “Just clear the unused time off the microwave, you manimal!” Seriously though, why would just leave it? It’s one more button to press….says the girl who forgets to push send on text messages.

And for the love of God, Gee-off just change the spelling of your name to Jeff like a normal person. I don’t know why your parents hated you from the start, but you’re ruining everyone’s day. I can’t tell my phone to accept it as a word because I have standards.

Another thing, why do doctors always return your call the minute you walk away from your phone? It’s like they know. Assholes.

I’m a little concerned that a strand of my hair is going to turn up at a murder scene one day because I lose so much of it randomly. How I still have a full head of hair is beyond me.

I’m incredibly concerned about my inability to grow up, but my pal sent me this earlier today saying it reminded her of me so at least I’m understood. Crazy, but understood.

IMG_1922

Bad Boys

Bad boys.

While listening to Miranda Lambert’s latest album, I came across this song and it sparked a conversation.

My girlfriends and I have been discussing the topic and I love the feedback so here goes.

Most of us girls have fallen weak in the knees a time or two for this brand of man child. First, a few questions…

What constitutes a “Bad boy”?

Is it a style?

 Is it the vice/vices they have?

 Is it a “don’t give a shit” attitude and/or disregard for the law?

I think there’s something intriguing about a guy who seems as though he can never be fully attained. Maybe it’s the idea that they save their softer side for only you…or at least you hope it’s only for you. Maybe it’s the challenge or the idea that we can “save” them.

One friend said she used to be into the brooding musician types and once fell hard for a gorgeous guy who was dark and moody.  Unfortunately, that dark side led to him being a cheater and the moody side ended up being a serious drug addiction.

And because Lana is a bad ass.

Sometimes we only see the good and don’t see the bad until we’re already in too deep. Oops. Our bad.

Carrie may have warned us, but we don’t always listen..

I’ve seen some bad boys turn into good men, usually after years of the Peter Pan Syndrome and the love of an incredibly patient woman.  However, guess whose patience has worn thin after 36 years on this planet? This bitch!

I’ve spent some time being attracted to men who had an air of mystery about them, rebels with absolutely no cause, but as time has passed it seems less attractive. A tough exterior, swagger and street smarts are the only qualities these bad boys may possess that I still think are attractive.  Outside of that, I’m pretty much done with this brand of male.

Some men grow up and outgrow the more immature aspects of the bad boy persona, leaving behind the destructive behaviors that ruin relationships and kudos to them. Some can never get past idea that they have to be accountable to another human being and that means not doing whatever the fuck you want whenever you want; but guess what? If you want a loving, lasting relationship with someone you can count on, you kind of have to grow up. Shocking, I know.

You know what I find attractive? Manners, respect, being consistent, having priorities and life goals. A man who is tough when he needs to be and is always protective of his lady is a keeper in my book as well.

Another one of my lady friends said that while she is still attracted to the bad boy type, her older and wiser self prefers a good guy that is hard working and family oriented. She still wants him to be able to whoop some ass and stay street wise though.

Amen, sister!

The next bit of input comes from the person who brought this to us this morning…

 Snapchat-263322397

She said, “I like boys…good boys, bad boys, funny boys, rich, poor…if you show me attention I will probably fall in love with you. I’m a sucker thanks to my self-esteem. Unless you have a man bun, then you’re out.”

She is obviously my favorite human today and not just because she shares my hate of man buns or because she gifted me with a giant zucchini, but because she’s so honest and knows how to laugh at herself.

Another said, “I think I’m attracted to narcissists. I like super confident guys and then I realize they are way more in love with themselves and not so into me.”

 

On relationships in general…

In the end, we fall for who we fall for and love who we love. Every relationship is different and no matter what it looks like from the outside, only those two people know what’s what. We’re all loving flawed human beings and hoping for the best.

Ladies, we’re a hot mess too. We analyze, then discuss with each other, over think and then discuss some more. Sometimes we are fuel to each other’s fires and make things worse, but I’m so glad we have each other to bitch to about guys and relationships, and most importantly thank God we have each other to laugh with. It saves us.

Guys, don’t be a dick just because you have one. Know what you have when you have it because I guarantee you that someone will appreciate what you take for granted and every girl has an ex that wants to make it right for the 89th time. Instead of being a bad boy, be a bad ass man who has self-respect and does right by the people who love you.

Screenshot_20170630-135314

And scene.

Accepting What Is

I think I have some pretty good friends, but then I see a reflection of myself in a door and notice a piece of my wild, curly hair sticking straight up and realize that I have no friends at all. Thanks a heap, guys. I can’t wait until you have something stuck in between your teeth so I can carry on a long conversation with you, then simply walk away with the satisfaction of knowing I’ve sentenced you to death by embarrassment.

Anywho, I have been listening to a weird sounding German/Canadian man talk to me about The Power of Now and it may be changing my life. Yes, I’m aware it’s very “New Age” and spiritually out there, but if you know me at all then this should be no surprise. Please withhold your judgment. In fact, just pack it away in the box of Hopes and Dreams stored in your parent’s attic. I’m gonna keep listening and then read it old school style, so deal with it. And for the love of God, why does the “Insert” button on the keyboard even exist? WHO is using this button?! And for what purpose? Please don’t answer, I’ve already stopped caring.

As I am attempting not to be so concerned about the future (which is going not great so far by the way), I find myself becoming much more self-aware which actually is great. Sometimes, I think God said, “give Melissa feelings, give her ALL the feelings” and then He did.

I’ve accepted that I just feel things deeper than most people. I know that’s a strange statement coming from me. I’m the sarcastic girl, the anti-social one who would rather talk to your dog than you, but alas I have tear ducts after all. Truthfully, once you’re in my circle of concern, my love knows no bounds. My capacity to forgive is damn near endless (not always a great thing), my loyalty is fierce and I will protect you with everything I have. There is a downside. Sometimes, that same love, loyalty and forgiveness is not returned. Fortunately, I can count on one hand how many times that’s been the case and I have gained wisdom from that pain.

Speaking of pain, let’s get back to The Power of Now. Mind you, I am only a third of the way through and my pal has promised me a book club type of discussion after I read the entire book (which he will soon regret), but I’ve already had some “AHA” moments. One is about pain so here we go…

“The pain you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is.”

Wait, humans are resistant to change and things they don’t want? Whaaa? Just kidding and that may seem like a no brainer, but really think about it. When something we don’t want to happen happens, we don’t tend to be passive and just let it be. We fight. We fight for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it’s a painful change, maybe it’s not what we want and maybe it feels unfair or unjust.

What does our non-acceptance and resistance do though? Does it change the circumstance? Does it change the person? No, it changes nothing. It does however cause a great amount of anxiety, stress, unhappiness and disappointment. Yet still, we resist. I don’t even think it’s on a conscious level, it’s reactionary and illogical. I’m so very guilty of this and believe me; it will take quite some time to kick this habit. However, I will try.

I’m aware of the connection between our minds and our reality. I understand the importance of perspective and what we think, but sometimes I still have trouble accepting what is. Damn my humanness.

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”

That’s a tall order, Tolle…but I will try because it all makes so much sense to me. It speaks to me on the deepest level. The place where my soul is at peace and I know what is true.

Everyone’s truth is different and I’m no expert, but I do know myself very well and I know what I need. The hardest thing for me has always been to stop overthinking and listen to that part inside of me that knows exactly what to do. Call it intuition, God, your subconscious, the Universe…all I know is it’s the truest part of me and the best guide I have.

Proverbs 23:7 says “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..”

“Happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events” – Dalai Lama

No matter what you believe, I think most of us can agree that our thoughts have a great influence over our lives. Those who don’t agree are most likely mouth breathers. Anyway, if you find yourself in a church pew on Sunday mornings, then more power to you and I hope it feeds your soul. You may want to avoid this one though because I’m still confused.

20170627_152612

I never feel the need to explain my beliefs, but when someone is genuinely interested, I do and I’m grateful for the conversation that led me to this book. I’m grateful for people who are open minded and enlightened. I’m grateful every day that I’m alive and have an opportunity to evolve even more. I am far from perfect, but I never want to stop learning or challenging myself and I’ll always be weird so deal with that too.

I’m also grateful for sunshine and music. This gem is from Emeli Sande’s latest album and if you’ve followed my blog, you know I adore her. I love how vulnerable she allows herself to be and the poetic nature of her lyrics. Ok, I’ll stop. Just listen..

I love how much she craves a deeper meaning and connection. I get that, I crave it too. I love that some people are just drawn to one another. It can’t be explained, it just is.

I get that some events and pain are unavoidable and unpredictable, but if there is some pain that we can lessen or avoid by accepting and not resisting what is, I think it’s worth a try. Also, underneath it all I absolutely believe that what’s for me will always be for me.

Wherever your journey takes you, I hope you find what’s meant for you. Choose your humans well.

20170627_161151

Just a tip though, it will never be a pair of Crocs or a man bun. Those aren’t meant for anyone.

You’re Doing it Wrong

Did you know that you’re actually supposed to peel a banana from the bottom? Like so…

If you’ve been peeling it from the stem, you’re doing it wrong.

This way is much easier and apparently the proper way. You’re welcome.
 

Hey, guys hitting on another man’s girlfriend when he gets up to go to the bathroom, you’re doing it wrong. 

Unbeknownst to you, our love is deep and the loyalty is real. 

We are joined together by inside jokes, epic dance off competitions, laughter, tears, beach trips, all night conversations, terrible Netflix movies and the smell of his farts. 

Do you really think that’s a bond you can break in the 2 minutes you have until he returns? Not happening.

So…how do you hit on another man’s girlfriend? You don’t, dipshit.

People parking in the “Burrito Loading Zone” at Chipotle, but actually eating lunch at Eureka, you’re doing it wrong. 

Evidently, Chipotle workers are very protective of these parking spots.

[wpvideo 8Jl3GIpS]

Prius drivers who are angry, you’re doing it wrong. 

You drive a Prius. You are a gentle giant, a friend to all, a keeper of peace. You are not the guy yelling at the Chipotle employee because you parked in the Burrito Loading Zone and loaded no burritos. I mean, there are rules here. This isn’t Vietnam.

You're Doing it Wrong

Did you know that you’re actually supposed to peel a banana from the bottom? Like so…

If you’ve been peeling it from the stem, you’re doing it wrong.

This way is much easier and apparently the proper way. You’re welcome.
 

Hey, guys hitting on another man’s girlfriend when he gets up to go to the bathroom, you’re doing it wrong. 

Unbeknownst to you, our love is deep and the loyalty is real. 

We are joined together by inside jokes, epic dance off competitions, laughter, tears, beach trips, all night conversations, terrible Netflix movies and the smell of his farts. 

Do you really think that’s a bond you can break in the 2 minutes you have until he returns? Not happening.

So…how do you hit on another man’s girlfriend? You don’t, dipshit.

People parking in the “Burrito Loading Zone” at Chipotle, but actually eating lunch at Eureka, you’re doing it wrong. 

Evidently, Chipotle workers are very protective of these parking spots.

[wpvideo 8Jl3GIpS]

Prius drivers who are angry, you’re doing it wrong. 

You drive a Prius. You are a gentle giant, a friend to all, a keeper of peace. You are not the guy yelling at the Chipotle employee because you parked in the Burrito Loading Zone and loaded no burritos. I mean, there are rules here. This isn’t Vietnam.

 Anti-Social 

I may or may not be a little anti-social, and by that I mean, I am. Long ago I learned that people are annoying and most lack common sense. 

I was a painfully shy child which I now realize was just me choosing to be quiet rather than tell everyone how stupid they were.

Somewhere in my late teens, I decided that I didn’t have to pretend to like everyone. Nor did I have to pretend that they were even somewhat tolerable. This often translated into me being called “stuck up” or a bitch. I didn’t put bitch in quotations because that’s actually true, but I’m not “stuck up” at all.

I don’t think I’m better than others,  I just don’t like them. Maybe you’re somebody else’s cup of tea, but not mine. Although, I would bet that some of you aren’t even a person’s (who is dying of thirst) drop of water because you’re awful.

Some people like to go through life thinking that humans are mostly good and that’s peachy, but not smart. I think humans are always human which means they can be lovely or terrible, fun or dangerous, intelligent or stupid…it’s a gamble. The truth is you just don’t know until you get to know them a little and that’s where you lose me. 

I don’t really want to get to know them. I’ve got plenty of great friends and my family is the most amazing so, no thanks. 

Please don’t sit near me. Please don’t make small talk with me, I’m not even listening. If I avoid eye contact with you, let it go. This girl doesn’t want to chat. 

As DJ Khaled said, “No New Friends”. 

Also, as the great (and sometimes seizure prone) Lil Wayne said, “I’m too old for new friends, but never too rich for new money”.

There you have it. Maybe I’m not anti-social, but selectively social.

Plus, you probably wouldn’t like me anyway. 

Just kidding, I’m the shit.

[wpvideo Fl1tZmcu]

By the way, that corner used to be occupied by another interesting character. I’m pretty sure she took over after beating him in a dance off competition. 

P.S. Hugs not Drugs.