Telling Stories

If you start telling me a story that you’ve told me more than once, I will join you and we will say it together, in unison. I have a hard-enough time paying attention to anybody at any time for any reason so try to keep it entertaining. A few lovely individuals have shared some real gems with me.

These stories are not only entertaining, but they also explain why I’m friends with these women…

Let’s say you woke up late, quickly got your kid ready for school, got in the car and rushed to the drop off line. Feeling disheveled, but relieved that he made it relatively on time, you run around to his door to let him out and say goodbye. Maybe you got a few side eyes because you didn’t have time to fix your hair. Jeez. You think about how other parents can be so judgmental, then pull into your garage. As you walk into your room, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and then you see it. See through pants. This wouldn’t be so bad if you had been wearing anything underneath them, but of course you weren’t. You have now gone to third base with the Assistant Principal, the Yard Duty teacher, a few parents and their kids.

I advised her that she may need to register as some kind of offender. I’m not sure what category this falls into.

Next up, a gold medalist in embarrassing herself and sharing it with me. Why she continues to give me weapons for my arsenal even though she knows I will use it later, I’ll never know.

Equality is important. When having a gathering at your home and everyone is drinking out back, why should women have to go inside to pee while the guys just walk over to a bush?? It seems unfair so maybe it’s time you took a stand or popped a squat. That is exactly what she did. Dropping trou and wisely bracing herself against the stucco wall in her backyard, she relieved herself like the lady she is. If only she didn’t have to pee for so long. She will forever be reminded of her bravery by the long scratches, blood and bruising she incurred on her backside. Not to mention, splashing into the puddle that accumulated just underneath her. Step aside bra burners, nobody puts baby in a corner! Bless your heart.

The following story is the one I can relate to the most.

Amazon is an addiction. We woman know this, we struggle. Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that you’ve had a few adult beverages and decide to do a little Amazon shopping. What could go wrong? Everything. All the things can go wrong. Sometimes it works out and you get a lovely surprise gift to yourself from yourself and sometimes you buy personalized gifts for your husband with his name misspelled. Hopefully, one day, he’ll stop asking you who in the hell Jafon is.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t want to hear about how having Irritable Bowel Syndrome has been a real challenge for you, but I REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. However, if you crap your pants, absolutely tell me. That’s the shit I live for.

I feel a little hypocritical because I will listen to some people’s stories over and over and never tire of them. I love these humans so it’s ok. My boyfriend tells the story of living in a cave in Spain with a donkey and something about a gypsy and it thrills me to no end. As soon as he says it, people look at me for confirmation that this is factual. I nod and say, “I know, it’s crazy, but it’s true”. Mind you, I was not there and cannot actually attest to it being true, but I oblige, nonetheless. 

This last one is not from any of my people. This is a disturbing story about a woman who clearly doesn’t know the line between just enough and too much information. By some evil twist of fate, she has come into a portion of my life. I assume this is punishment for every wrong thing I have done in life ever. When I asked how she was doing, she proceeded to tell me about her raging UTI. That seemed bad enough, but it did not end there. While making small talk with a pal of mine, she was again asked how she was doing and her response was, “you know, JUST LIVING ON VAGISIL”.

WHY??

This is information that nobody needs. What kind of response should one have to that Vagina Monologue? “Well, you’re in my prayers”? Our Lord and Savior doesn’t want to know that. The angels covered their holy ears. The devil himself is blocking your entrance to hell because it’s JUST TOO MUCH. I need you to never speak about your nether regions in the presence of others.

I’ve taken the liberty of reporting you to Homeland Security because if this isn’t terrorism, I don’t know what is.

Russians, Naps and Leafy Greens

Do you know what sounds like a lot of fun? A nap. Who’s with me? Seriously, I’m down to grab my favorite blanket and pillow and sleep peacefully next to you. There are some rules. Stay on your side. No snorers allowed. Don’t wake your nap buddy up unless they are in imminent danger. When you are both awake, conversation must be kept to a minimum and can only consist of what to watch or what to eat. Both will be happening, neither of you are ready for the world yet. Waking up is hard. A second nap is always an option, but not mandatory. It is not necessary that your nap buddy participate in nap number two with you. You are free to slumber alone.

I was having a blissful slumber myself in the wee early hours of the morning when suddenly I was jolted awake by what can only be described as the smell of death or death that has rotted. If you guessed that my boyfriend was to blame, then you would be correct. When I texted him hours later to let him know that his fart on steroids almost took me out, his response was and I quote, “Sorry babe, it was a Spinach fart”. A Spinach fart? I had no idea there was such a thing, but the man loves his Spinach and ate an entire bowl yesterday. Ok, Popeye….NEVER AGAIN.

When I’m not thinking about napping or food or surviving farts, I’m learning to speak Russian these days. Before you say it, I know it’s a difficult language. Duh. I love it! I’ve already learned 140 words and it’s been less than three weeks. My friends are slightly annoyed, but I don’t care. I can call them names and they won’t even know, so who’s the real winner here?

Why Russian, you ask? Or maybe you didn’t ask because you’re selfish and only think about yourself. Give that some thought.

I have been interested by my Ancestry since I was a kid. I always loved hearing family stories and knowing where I come from is important to me. I’m fascinated by the Russian side, so I decided to try out learning another language. My brain gets bored and I always want to learn something new. Turns out, I catch on pretty damn quickly. I’m already fluent in Spanglish which was motivated by listening to my Mother and Aunts start a conversation in English and ending it in Spanish. My little cousin and I were left clueless as to the gossip. In the words of The Dude, “This aggression will not stand!”… so we learned enough to know the “tea” (as kids these days say). Try not to be floored by my level of cool.

I have already nicknamed one friend a potato in Russian which he loves, obviously. Another friend got sick of my shit and has decided to learn with me! We will surely annoy all the folks in all the lands and I could not care less. Peasants is what I’ll call them, Garbage Kids even. Don’t feel bad for them. They have earned my wrath.

Listen, you guys take care. Go learn something new. Let me know if you want to nap sometime and for the love of God, STAY AWAY FROM THE SPINACH.

Reasons Why I’m Late

This goes out to all my punctual friends and family….

First, I’m sorry. I know the concept of time is important to you, but it’s just not to me. I don’t get it. Are you competing for an award? Is this like when you were in grade school and received a certificate for never missing a day of school? Because that sounds about as much fun as being on time anywhere for anything. Have you heard of the Internet or Memes?

Reasons I’m always late:

Instagram.

Waking up is hard.

I don’t want to go wherever it is I have to go.

The baby hairs on the right side of my head that refuse to cooperate.

Am I getting enough Magnesium? Better Google it right the hell now and find out.

My brain. More specifically, ideas of new things to try, create, cook or research. Pinterest is gasoline to this fire.

Cleaning up things around the house that are minor and can definitely wait until later, but how great will it be to come home later and it’s already done? Pretty damn great.

My dogs giving me a look that says, “Leaving our sight for more than 2 minutes will make us feel abandoned and unloved. Do you want that on your conscience? Do you!?”

My vanity mirror shouting at me about the 3 eyebrow hairs I missed while plucking.

Where is that shirt I haven’t worn in 8 months, but would be just perfect for today? I should bypass the other lovely 46 shirt options I have and look for it even though I’m supposed to be there already because What Would Jesus Do? I’ll tell you what He’d do. He would tell the parable of the shepherd leaving 99 sheep behind to go searching for the one lost sheep. That shirt is no less important than the others. What book of the Bible is that story from? Better look it up right now because I will need this is information never. Ah, found the shirt. Nope. Now I know why I haven’t worn it 8 months. I’m going to hang it back up though because what if I feel differently about it in another 8 months?

Is that another freckle? Maybe I’m not protecting my skin from the sun enough. What’s the SPF on my moisturizer? That’s not high enough. Must find a better one on Amazon right this minute because this is a health concern that can’t wait. Oh look, I forgot about the bathroom rugs I saved in my cart for later. Do we really need to replace them yet? Maybe I should wash them again and see how they look after that. Gotta put them in the washer immediately because what if the washer goes missing or worse, gets stolen? How safe are we really? Maybe I should look into those cameras you can set up on your porch. I bet Amazon has some. Hopefully on Prime. I’ll check it out.

Facebook notification. Oh, it’s that guy from high school’s birthday. I should say happy birthday because he said happy birthday to me on my birthday. Ugh, if I do that then everyone we’re mutual friends with will expect a happy birthday wish and I’m not doing that. They’ll personalize it, think I don’t like them (I don’t) and it will become a thing. Better keep everyone’s expectations low, I don’t want trouble. No birthday wish for him. Guess I can scroll since I’m already on. Wait. An add for a Magnesium supplement? I didn’t even say that out loud. What the… The government can hear my thoughts? Shit. They obviously know I’m habitually late and will rarely have an alibi so they’re going to pin a murder on me to strong arm me into becoming an informant and putting my life on the line. I think I saw a commercial for a new show about that on Amazon Prime. I’ll check it out. Hmm, did I ever order the new moisturizer?

ADD, obviously.

20 Days

I recently took 20 days off work. They say it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. Damn, so close.

It was quite life changing. When you are so used to being “on” and busy, a large amount of free time is a foreign concept. It took about five days for me to stop clenching my jaw and stop thinking about work, but then it was like, “what job?”

I slept. A lot.

My house is incredibly clean and organized. My boyfriend no longer owns any socks with holes and can actually find a matching pair. If I ask my kids to organize one more thing, they may volunteer to run away and join the circus. My dogs are still thrilled with me though, so does anything else really matter? I think not.

I cooked 427 different recipes and have considered starting my own cooking show.  I also learned that Home Goods is dangerous and I need a Sponsor in my life to call when I’m feeling weak…

“I know, Donna, but this frame is the perfect addition to the hallway. What’s that? Yes, I realize it’s the same exact color as the last one, but this one has a more weathered look and it.…uh-huh. Ok, I’ll think about it for another day. Thanks, Donna. You’re a real one.” (Hangs up the phone and puts the purchased frame in the car because let’s be honest, nobody is gonna boss me.) I don’t know a “Donna”, but it seems like a solid name and I’ve been non-stop watching the show Suits. I am pretty much a corporate lawyer now. Feel free to contact me for any legal advice, quips about your character, snide comments or to devise the most underhanded devious plot ever made.

Truthfully, the time off reminded me that my life outside of work is filled with so much LOVE. I genuinely love and enjoy the people in my life; my kids are amazing, my parents are super heroes, my boyfriend is my soul partner and my friends are better than yours.

I listened to and watched the news yesterday. I haven’t watched the news for more than five minutes in over 6 years. Can I just say, holy shit. I can’t believe you guys have been living like this. What even?

Life got really serious for me and I just sort of stopped participating in “reality” outside of the world I created for myself. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I think my soul knew I needed to retreat for a while. It’s fine, you all did well without me. After this break, I feel like I’m ready to know things about the world again. Not too much though. I can’t be that serious and most of you are taking things seriously enough for us both.

Let’s see, what else…

I did finish a couple of books and received a couple more so the stack on my nightstand remains nine books high and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I diagnosed and cured myself of two conditions. (Just prepping for the return of Grey’s Anatomy.)

Definitely ate too much cheese.

Cleaned my pores.

Talked about movies, shows, food, poop and farts way too much.

Also, I decided that in our group this is what it would look like if a few of us planned an intervention for one of us. Enjoy.


Happy New Year.

Definitely, maybe

I thought I was clear, but apparently not. Please don’t talk to me for the first few hours of the day. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I have to be awake and it’s difficult.

Also, please don’t wear your Snuggie to work. Oh, it’s a poncho? Umm, no. At the very least, that is a cape and who are you saving? Nobody. Fucking nobody.

I’m trying to be a nice person, but you people are making this hard. I’m staying centered. I’m burning my Sage. I’m hugging the humans I like. I’ve even eaten Kale twice in the last week. Help a sister out and save your words for someone else. Hold that thought, like, forever. Thanks.

I’m about to become one of those people who creates a Facebook event. I know, but it’s for a good cause. It’s so my girlfriends and I can go eat delicious food and drink adult beverages a month from now because we’re all so damn busy and this is what it’s come to.

I guess being an adult means you have to schedule lunches a month in advance and eat a lot of green leafy vegetables. Nobody tells you that when they’re reading you fairy tales as a child, do they?!

“And then the princess picked her boyfriend’s boxers up off the floor every day for the rest of her life because while his eyesight was good, the hamper was invisible to him.”

Cohabitation is fun. This month alone, I’ve watched 13 movies I couldn’t be less interested in. I get to tell him that he’s using his inhaler wrong and wonder if he’s leaving his trimmed beard hair in the sink because, like the hamper, it’s invisible to him. Write a story about that, Disney.

As though that isn’t hard enough, I go to work and PEOPLE TALK TO ME.

I’m not actually upset about any of this. They are minor annoyances, but I might have an attitude problem. Definitely, maybe.

Confession time: There are six stalls in the bathroom in our building. The fourth one doesn’t lock. There is no way to make it properly lock, it just won’t. I see women walk right in and I say nothing. They usually like to give it 3 or 4 tries before realizing there is no way to lock it. I could have told them, but I find it amusing. I might be an asshole. Definitely, maybe.

Here, watch this little hedgehog try to swim. Act like you don’t love the hell out of it. I dare you.

Shut Up, You’re Weird Too

As much as I like the fun part of holidays, can I just say that I am so happy they’re over? Of course I can, I’m the boss of me. I think holidays make people crazy, rather, they bring out the crazy. What is that? Is it being reminded of bad memories past? The impending doom of spending time with relatives? Is your creepy uncle coming to Christmas dinner? I mean, WHAT?!

It’s fine, we all have our reasons for wishing the holidays away. Mine would be the crowds of people. They are everywhere, and they bring their crying babies with them. Isn’t this time of year hard enough without your teething infant screaming in the middle of Macy’s? I’m just looking for a sweater, dammit.

I enjoy parts of it. My Mother is an amazing cook and I happen to like my family so that part is easy. I love watching my kids open their gifts. Then, I regret buying things that require batteries, assembly or set up of any kind. Immediately, I turn my daughter and ask her to set up the new Nintendo Switch pretending I’m like a grandmother who doesn’t understand how “email” or “texting” works. She obliges because watching me attempt it would be equally if not more frustrating for her. She’s a good daughter.

When Christmas is finally over, there sits New Year’s like the smug bitch that she is. “New year, new you? Not so fast!”, she shouts.

I burned White Sage throughout the house and carried on with a positive attitude because new beginnings, right?

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Well, I can’t even believe the things people around me have already endured. Jeez, 2018. Simmer down. However, there’s happiness too, some have new houses and new babies (I’ve already advised them on not allowing their infants to tag along to Macy’s). I suppose this is the stuff of life. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows.

The truth is that New Year’s Resolutions are silly. It’s just a date. You want to change something? Umm, change it. It’s not like the Universe is gonna stop you… “Whoa, making a change today? On a school night? I won’t allow it.” Then, you’re struck by lightening to set an example for all the other humans who dare to be so bold as to try to better themselves in the middle of the week.

I’m going to make resolutions and evolve twice monthly so just brace yourself, this will never end. I don’t ever want to stop being curious and will constantly want to try new things. For instance, I had an app on my phone for a solid 5 weeks to help me learn French. Sure, it didn’t last, but “c’est la vei”. I’m now researching the benefits of bone broth and will be making my own in the next week.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Lifetime learners and people who aren’t scared to be who they genuinely are, that’s who I like and want to surround myself with. Yes, tell me about your strange childhood. I live for this shit. Talk to me about your latest epiphany, I wanna know. You had a rough day, but found the silver lining? Let’s talk about it over a beer.

As my good pal and I recently discussed over a shared jar of moonshine, we are all changing and evolving. This is a good thing and something that should never stop because if it did, then what’s the point?

I think we’re here on Earth for two reasons:

To love ourselves and others

To learn what we don’t know

That second one is endless, obviously. And that is the point.

I spent a solid decade learning about myself and reading every book imaginable. I love to learn about others too, this is my jam. If you’re a MBTI nerd like me, I’m an ENFP. If you don’t know what that means…as my good friend says, “Google that shit!” (GTS). I’m a Type Two on the Enneagram. Again, GTS.

As much self-discovery as I’ve done, I still surprise myself. I recently noticed that after a very social weekend, I will suddenly shut down and need no one to talk to me or even breathe in my direction. It’s just too much to bare. I have expended all my extroverted energy. I now need to re-charge and I can’t do that with you in my space. I suppose I’m a Social Introvert, which is weird.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that my Non-New Year’s Resolution is to keep trying new things, keep learning more about myself and others, and just love people. They need it and so do I. I’d also like to go wine tasting. I’ve never been and it seems like the 37 year old thing to do so maybe. We shall see.

I will always crave connection, real connection. If you’re not going to be real with me, I’ll know, and our conversation will be about the weather and last under 5 minutes. I’m not a Meteorologist, I don’t give a shit about the forecast, I just don’t like you. It’s ok, someone else will.

Good luck with your New Year’s Resolutions, everyone! Try being Gluten free, you’ll probably be friend free in 2 weeks, but carry on. Giving up alcohol? Call me when that’s over. I’ll be here for you, but in the meantime, I’ll be over there where they keep the beer. Deciding to try bangs? I’ll caution against it, but still sit next to you. (P.S. you look 5 years old now)

How To Be 37

I just had a birthday. I know, fantastic. I bought myself all the face creams so let’s just not talk about it anymore.

I’ve been catching up on the last few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy as of late. So far I’ve diagnosed two people with Cardiomyopathy, one with Bronchitis and 62 with an attitude problem. A few didn’t take the news well, but whatevs.

We recently attended a Halloween party. I went as an attacked Little Red Riding Hood with a basket full of booze. Duh. I contemplated doing the couple thing, my boyfriend obviously being the Wolf. However, the look of excitement on his face when we found the inflatable Velociraptor costume was just too much to bear. Plus, I was really hoping he’d get a little tipsy and fall over. Then, I could just roll him out the door and back home. Bonus, he’d be encapsulated in this getup all night so when he farted and gassed himself out to the point of unconsciousness, I would see Karma at it’s finest. I’m an amazing person.

Fine, I’m not that great. Still better than some though. For instance..

I saw two women jogging early in the morning and one was wearing a head flashlight. I can’t decide if they were friends jogging together or if the flashlight wearer was chasing the other woman to force her into friendship. She clearly needs a friend to tell her that she looks like a dumb ass. First of all, it wasn’t that dark. Second of all, you’re not a coal miner, ma’am. Take it down a notch.

Or how about the guy who likes to hold the door open and wait for me to walk through at the gym even though I might be a solid 50 feet away. Thank you sir, but I’m going to get my cardio inside the gym and now I feel like I have to awkwardly powerwalk because you have an impatient look on your face like I’m inconveniencing you. Dude, I’ll get my own door.

Enough about others, let’s get back to me. I’m about to cry over this hangnail and I just washed a plastic fork. Send help.
And out of the blue, I decided to watch Eat, Pray, Love. It felt like the 37-year-old thing to do. Clearly, we needed wine and by “we” I just mean me. I watched the movie twice. In a row. I blame the wine.
I’d actually seen it years ago, but I don’t think I got it at the time. Either way, I suddenly have a desire to eat all the pasta in Italy, buy bigger jeans, then attend a wedding in India and finally cry with Javier Bardem about EVERYTHING.

However, there was a quote in there that I loved so very much..

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation.”

I think there are some types of growth that can only come from brokenness. Sometimes we have to be humbled to be open to what we need to learn.

A little bit of the wisdom I picked up over the last year:

Half the time you’re fighting with someone, you’re really fighting with yourself.

Forgiveness is not a chore, but a necessary part of loving someone completely. This means yourself also.

Life’s trials don’t end. One gets solved and another arises. Learning to enjoy life throughout all of the trials is the point.

Don’t miss the point.

There is always room for one more.

Check in on people, they need it more than you think.

You don’t have it all figured out, life will surprise you and about half the time you’ll like it.

I will say “Bless You” up to 3 times when you sneeze. After that, I assume you’re an attention whore and you’re dead to me.

What? I can’t be mature all the time.

Ever feel like you’re not cutting it as a parent? Let me help you out. My son just went to Camp and I sent him with a disposable camera. I’ll be dropping it off to get the pictures developed along with my daughter’s disposable camera from when she went to Camp SIX YEARS AGO. Mother of the year.

I’m going to need you guys to lower your expectations. Thanks.

You’re Wearing White, Aren’t You?

You’re wearing white, aren’t you?

Dammit, Donna. You know the rules. Much like an awful ex, Labor Day is behind us.

I’m kidding. I care zero much about these things.

I spend my time on important matters, like anxiety and creating terrifying scenarios in my mind that will never take place.

Truthfully, I’ve been watching quite a few documentaries lately, listening to podcasts and going to the gym on a regular basis. What is this life? I promise not to start eating a high fiber cereal in the morning. However, I will keep singing the praises of Quinoa. Don’t try to stop me.

Oh shit, I just remembered that I’ve also started posting a “Weekly Menu” on the fridge.

Did I just grow up? Am I an adult now? Is it over? Because I would love to stop paying bills. That would be fantastic.

I won’t even go into the “meal prep” I did this week because you can’t even.

I did finish one of the five books I’d started so I’m feeling fairly accomplished. I’m determined to finish one of the other four before picking up a new one which is killing me because Jen Hatmaker’s new book came out last month and I have yet to even smell the pages. Days are hard.

I find myself mumbling, “Could you not?” more and more with each passing day. I’m already living in a perpetually unimpressed state of mind so…no, please don’t. It’s doesn’t matter what it is, just don’t. I’d rather not. I am far too busy creating a list of all the new Fall shows I’ll be watching.

And that is all I will be watching because the news is such a bummer. It’s all a bit too serious these days what with the Earth being destroyed by that “Mother Nature” bitch and our country being led by someone who is essentially a troll in a permanent state of “Brain Fog” and assaults my ear holes with his stupidity. It’s all stupid. I don’t accept.

Anyway, come over with me to the Petty Corner for a minute…

You know how some women forget to stay in their lane? They get a little adventurous and begin to slowly drift into yours, mistakenly thinking that you’re passive then you have draw an incredibly clear boundary. Of course you do. We’ve all experienced this at one point or another.

I’ve been tempted to remind a couple of them exactly who they’re dealing with, but I decided to draw that line and carry on knowing that Karma would handle them. Well, it was brought to my attention that Karma did in fact handle it and while I don’t endorse harming another individual, I can understand how that would come to pass.

Stay in your lane. There are plenty of available men for you to unleash your insanity on. Go to town, sister. Stop learning the hard way. Bless your heart.

Ok, out of the Petty Corner.

Ugh, I kinda miss it. It was cozy and catty there. I’m sure I’ll head back soon enough and might I add, I love that you can join me there. We are cut from the same mold, you and me.

We’re 90% Women Empowerment / “you go, girl!” and 10% “watch your step before I have to remind you who the fuck I am”. I like us, we’re lovely.

Midnight Margaritas

The news is devastating. It’s hard to escape the hateful nature of some, but since reality bites, let me tell you about my lame Friday night and the fact that I still believe in magic.

Spoiler: I watched Practical Magic again.


Just so you know, I belong in the above scene. I want to be woken up for Midnight Margaritas and I already regularly dance through my kitchen. That is the stuff of happiness. I also believe in magic, practical and non-practical.

I burn white sage to clear out negative energy.  I coat my doorway in peppermint oil and even brew a few mixtures from time to time. I don’t care what you think.

This movie probably seems silly to most, but there’s quite a bit of solid wisdom hidden throughout the spells, potions, murder and margaritas.
Gilly may be one of my most favorite characters Nicole Kidman has ever played. After falling for a seductive, intense man who eventually turns destructive and toxic, she doles out this perspective to her niece.

“Well that’s what love is like. It makes your heart race, it turns the world upside down. But if you’re not careful, if you don’t keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can’t see what’s happening to the people around you. You can’t see that you’re about to fall.”

Damn. Ain’t that the truth.

She may have buried her way too intense boyfriend in the yard with the help of her sister Sally (who actually murdered him), but that’s all beside the point.
The connection the sisters share is part of why I love the movie so much. Women can be such beautifully strong, intuitive creatures and even more so when we find our tribe. There is power in numbers and immeasurable strength when we choose to support and lift each other up…and maybe help hide a body.

Check in on your girlfriends, hug them, share what you’re learning in life. It means more than you know and we all need it. Simply knowing you’re not alone can change everything.

Sometimes we need someone to grab us by the shoulders and say, “Listen, you beautiful mess of a human, you’re amazing and deserve a great life so get your shit together and stop settling for less. P.S. I love you.”

We all struggle. We are all hurting. Very recently I’ve learned that even the people you think have it all together, don’t. Trust me, they’ve cried in the shower too.

It’s my favorite to talk to my girlfriends and realize they’re just as weird as I am. Well, almost.

As I was home on Friday night, my boyfriend was out with the guys and I sent him this lovely text..

Don’t feel bad for him. He woke me up last night to ask where the ibuprofen was because it wasn’t on his nightstand. God forbid he walk over to my nightstand and look for it with his eyeballs! For the love.

I said I wanted to be woken up for Midnight Margaritas, not help you find something.

However,  I did come out of the shower earlier that night and made him promise me that if we ever break up, he’ll never bring his new girlfriend to our fave hang out spot, even if he marries her. I did this FOR NO REASON. So I probably gave him a headache, but still.

Truthfully, he laughed and said, “ok, baby”. Which is even worse. He’s become immune to my crazy and probably knows I’m pmsing. Sweet baby Jesus, someone should put me down.

Day 13,428

It’s day 13,428 here on Earth for me (yes, I Googled it) and I’ve realized that I don’t know much.

For instance, there are soft serve Ice Cream Trucks. I had no idea. I won’t partake anyway given my lack of tolerance for the Lactose, but still.

Did you know that if you don’t press “send”, your text will just sit there? I know, weird. Seems like after a certain amount of time it would say to itself, “I’m pretty sure Mel just got distracted and meant to press send, let me help a sister out” then proceed to send it…but no. The next time you think you’re being ignored, might want to check on that first. However, if you’re awful, you probably are being ignored. Asshole.

Yesterday, I found out that my friend paid real American dollars to have her Chinchilla cremated years ago. She then proceeded to spread his ashes at the beach, at the end of a pier to be precise. Here’s how that went:

Me: You spread his ashes at the beach…because that’s where he was from?

Her: No, but he would have loved the beach.

Me: I’m sure he would have, had he lived to experience it..

Her: It wasn’t my fault!

This only leads me to believe that it was, in fact, her fault.

That conversation prompted another friend to reveal the mysterious circumstances surrounding a certain cockatiel’s death in the late 90’s. Cause of death is still TBD. Somebody call Ace Ventura because my pals appear to be some shady characters.

Jeez. You think you know someone.

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There’s nothing I hate more than bathroom conversation. I don’t mean poop talk. We can talk about poop and farts for days. Just last night my boyfriend let one rip and I looked at him and asked, “tacos?” because this is who we are now.

By bathroom conversation, I’m referring to actual talking in the restroom. Look, I don’t care how your day is going and you don’t care about mine either. I’m like a man when shopping, I’m on a mission. I came in with a purpose and that purpose is to pee. Your blouse is lovely Kathy with a “K”, but I’m not going to ask where you bought it. I’m washing my hands and I’m out!

PSA: Y’all better be washing your hands or I’m gonna have to tell you about yourself.

I may not always be the smartest person in the room, but even I know not to throw a banana peel away in a common area especially when the trash isn’t taken out daily, sir. NOBODY wants to smell your banana day after day after day and that goes for your other banana too. I don’t need to deal with that. I already bring a banana to work in the morning and it stares at me all day making me feel guilty until I eat it. I’ve got enough problems.

For example, every time it’s quiet I start humming one of two things: a Paula Abdul song or the Three’s Company theme song. WHY? Straight up, now tell me!! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, I’m just thinking about a Thigh Master and how I don’t actually want anyone to come and knock on my door.

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I’m starting to think that the effects of Benadryl last long after the Benadryl is out of my system. I can’t focus on any one thing.

Anyway, people with extremely long torsos freak me out. It must be strange to be that tall, but get everywhere slowly because of your short legs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

There was a crazy lady downtown today just yelling, “stupid, stupid girls!” over and over. It was sad, but also got me thinking about what phrase I’ll yell over and over again if I go crazy. I think it would be something like, “Just clear the unused time off the microwave, you manimal!” Seriously though, why would just leave it? It’s one more button to press….says the girl who forgets to push send on text messages.

And for the love of God, Gee-off just change the spelling of your name to Jeff like a normal person. I don’t know why your parents hated you from the start, but you’re ruining everyone’s day. I can’t tell my phone to accept it as a word because I have standards.

Another thing, why do doctors always return your call the minute you walk away from your phone? It’s like they know. Assholes.

I’m a little concerned that a strand of my hair is going to turn up at a murder scene one day because I lose so much of it randomly. How I still have a full head of hair is beyond me.

I’m incredibly concerned about my inability to grow up, but my pal sent me this earlier today saying it reminded her of me so at least I’m understood. Crazy, but understood.

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