Somebody Get God on the Phone

Somebody get God on the phone, I have questions.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I only like six people outside of my family. Can they be off limits?

Tornadoes. Really? I watched the movie Twister 87 times, so I get that they’re fascinating, but they’re destructive and I don’t see the benefit. Unless they only come into contact with people who hurt animals. I’m fine with that.

Why do we have an Appendix if we don’t really need it? Then something goes wrong and the organ you never needed can now cause your death? Cool. Maybe a third lung would have been good or a back up heart. Why not two livers? And did we really need 25 feet of intestines? Now you’ve got all these humans walking around full of shit. Just saying there were options.

Why did you allow the Kardashians to be a thing? Is this because of our sinning? I really would have preferred you smite us with Locusts…again.

Why is everyone focusing on the power struggle between Jon Snow and Daenerys instead of the fact that they slept together and are AUNT and NEPHEW?

Why are they called Pine Nuts instead of Pine Seeds?

Was the boy Monica’s or Brandy’s? I gotta know.

Do all dogs go to heaven? If not, can they come to my house?

Are the beings in other universes as dumb as us or do they call them pine seeds?

Do people who listen to Kid Rock know they don’t have to?

Why are Zingers so delicious?

Why do we lose some of the best humans too early, but the grumpy old assholes live forever?

Is crack actually whack or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

In the end, what takes us out? Is it Romaine lettuce?

How many days were Adam and Eve alive before he called her “crazy” and said she was “overreacting”? That’s probably why she ate the apple. “Oh, you wanna see crazy?! I’ll show you crazy!” Then, boom. Sin. Now we have the Kardashians. Thanks a lot, Adam.

Is hell just a place where the ground is covered in Legos that can’t be moved and nobody has shoes? Can you smell delicious food all day, but it’s not there, it’s just the aroma coming from Heaven? And every day a plate of cookies labeled “Chocolate Chip” is placed in front of you, but they’re really Oatmeal Raisin? And every person is a mouth breather? If not, maybe it should be.

Before you start answering these questions, don’t. Are you God? Do you sound like Morgan Freeman? I didn’t think so. Go eat your string cheese and leave the big conversations to the grown-ups.

I’d like to end this on a positive note so…

Thanks for:

My Kids – Seriously, top notch. Extra thanks for making them look like me.

Sleep

My Family – Loving, smart, clever, good looking…really, I feel sorry for people who aren’t us.

The Sun (even though it will eventually kill us, nice touch btw)

Memes

Good People – all 6 of them

The “Ignore” button on my phone (and in my head)

Sex – some of your best work

Intuition – no jokes, it saves me

Chocolate (no nuts, obviously)

Dogs

Coffee (except decaf)

Flying dreams

Sea Otters

Humor – I think most days you must roll your eyes at me and maybe even sometimes laugh, but don’t forget that you made me and it’s pretty much your own fault. You chose this life. 

Day 13,428

It’s day 13,428 here on Earth for me (yes, I Googled it) and I’ve realized that I don’t know much.

For instance, there are soft serve Ice Cream Trucks. I had no idea. I won’t partake anyway given my lack of tolerance for the Lactose, but still.

Did you know that if you don’t press “send”, your text will just sit there? I know, weird. Seems like after a certain amount of time it would say to itself, “I’m pretty sure Mel just got distracted and meant to press send, let me help a sister out” then proceed to send it…but no. The next time you think you’re being ignored, might want to check on that first. However, if you’re awful, you probably are being ignored. Asshole.

Yesterday, I found out that my friend paid real American dollars to have her Chinchilla cremated years ago. She then proceeded to spread his ashes at the beach, at the end of a pier to be precise. Here’s how that went:

Me: You spread his ashes at the beach…because that’s where he was from?

Her: No, but he would have loved the beach.

Me: I’m sure he would have, had he lived to experience it..

Her: It wasn’t my fault!

This only leads me to believe that it was, in fact, her fault.

That conversation prompted another friend to reveal the mysterious circumstances surrounding a certain cockatiel’s death in the late 90’s. Cause of death is still TBD. Somebody call Ace Ventura because my pals appear to be some shady characters.

Jeez. You think you know someone.

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There’s nothing I hate more than bathroom conversation. I don’t mean poop talk. We can talk about poop and farts for days. Just last night my boyfriend let one rip and I looked at him and asked, “tacos?” because this is who we are now.

By bathroom conversation, I’m referring to actual talking in the restroom. Look, I don’t care how your day is going and you don’t care about mine either. I’m like a man when shopping, I’m on a mission. I came in with a purpose and that purpose is to pee. Your blouse is lovely Kathy with a “K”, but I’m not going to ask where you bought it. I’m washing my hands and I’m out!

PSA: Y’all better be washing your hands or I’m gonna have to tell you about yourself.

I may not always be the smartest person in the room, but even I know not to throw a banana peel away in a common area especially when the trash isn’t taken out daily, sir. NOBODY wants to smell your banana day after day after day and that goes for your other banana too. I don’t need to deal with that. I already bring a banana to work in the morning and it stares at me all day making me feel guilty until I eat it. I’ve got enough problems.

For example, every time it’s quiet I start humming one of two things: a Paula Abdul song or the Three’s Company theme song. WHY? Straight up, now tell me!! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, I’m just thinking about a Thigh Master and how I don’t actually want anyone to come and knock on my door.

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I’m starting to think that the effects of Benadryl last long after the Benadryl is out of my system. I can’t focus on any one thing.

Anyway, people with extremely long torsos freak me out. It must be strange to be that tall, but get everywhere slowly because of your short legs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

There was a crazy lady downtown today just yelling, “stupid, stupid girls!” over and over. It was sad, but also got me thinking about what phrase I’ll yell over and over again if I go crazy. I think it would be something like, “Just clear the unused time off the microwave, you manimal!” Seriously though, why would just leave it? It’s one more button to press….says the girl who forgets to push send on text messages.

And for the love of God, Gee-off just change the spelling of your name to Jeff like a normal person. I don’t know why your parents hated you from the start, but you’re ruining everyone’s day. I can’t tell my phone to accept it as a word because I have standards.

Another thing, why do doctors always return your call the minute you walk away from your phone? It’s like they know. Assholes.

I’m a little concerned that a strand of my hair is going to turn up at a murder scene one day because I lose so much of it randomly. How I still have a full head of hair is beyond me.

I’m incredibly concerned about my inability to grow up, but my pal sent me this earlier today saying it reminded her of me so at least I’m understood. Crazy, but understood.

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10 Minutes in My Brain

My brain has been moving at the speed of dial up internet all day. I’m sick to death of adulting and adults in general. Not you, it’s others.

Like the overly cautious merger this morning on the Parkway. It’s a slight left buddy, no need to brake. 

Or the lady who decided to occupy the stall right next to mine when there were 4 other perfectly good empty stalls to choose from. Ma’am, you’re what we call a “turd burglar”. There were no turds happening mind you, because I am a lady, but you get it.

And right now all I can think is either I’m going crazy or this guy has been wearing the exact same outfit for 3 days in a row. Did he shower? Did he change his underwear? Why would you not change clothes?? You look like Jake from State Farm and I understand that he’s super cool, but c’mon. Maybe I’ll come dressed as Flo from Progressive tomorrow and we can battle it out West Side Story style.

I just ate a red Starburst and I think that any Starburst other than pink just tastes like sadness. I used to settle for red thinking, well at least it’s not orange, but I think I’m better than that now.

Clearly, this is a day of reflection.  A time for deep thoughts and focusing on what matters and OMG my friend didn’t understand my “Walker, Texas Ranger” reference. This is like the discussion of Care Bears all over again. Also, is there a Tipsy Bear? Because that’s my bear.

It’s Ash Wednesday, National Pig Day, and #whyIlovepizza is trending on Twitter. Obviously one of these things is near and dear to my heart and it’s this bucket of Sunshine right here….



 

Happy Hump Day.

Moats and Hoes

I’ve been thinking deeply about something for a while now and I’ve come to a decision. It’s time to start making some moves to get what I want in life…

   
What I absolutely want is a house with a moat.

The first reason is safety. Nobody is getting anywhere near me unless I lower the drawbridge which I would only do if they had tasty treats or beer, obviously.

The second reason is that they’re super cool and this puts me one step closer to the Game of Thrones life I was intended to have and getting a dragon (which has always been my ultimate goal).

Lastly, I like to make an entrance and would love nothing more than to have that drawbridge lower and see my dogs come running to me with tails a waggin every day.

On the off chance that this dream does not come to fruition…I’ll just take a Southern inspired two story house with a wraparound porch, a walk in closet, lots of trees, a big yard, my dogs, a pig, a goat, an amazing circular library room complete with chaise lounge chairs and a full bar, one secret passage way, and a couple of mischievous, but friendly ghosts who would give Scooby Doo and the team a run for their money. Even though they never had any kind of authority whatsoever and were always out of their jurisdiction, I love them all the same and would welcome them and their mystery machine to investigate anything that seems hinky at my residence.

Well, I’m glad we had this talk.

Remember, I’ll always be here for you…unless you run out of snacks or beer or if you’re in a bad mood, smell unfavorably, don’t pronounce the first R in “library”, drag your feet when walking, keep your toenails too long for my liking, don’t know the words to at least one En Vogue song and/or squeeze the toothpaste from the center of the tube. Aside from that, you can count on me and I can confidently say with an 18% certainty that I would most likely lower the drawbridge for you.

Now, you’ve gotten all the way to the end and there’s been no mention of hoes. I don’t want you to leave disappointed so here you go… Every group of friends has that one girl (or guy) who’s not so fresh and a little sleazy. Think about it. If you can’t figure out who it is, it’s you.

Alright, sleep well!

Xo