Fish Out of Water

“If you give a fool enough rope, they hang themselves.” I’ve heard my Mother say this since I was a child. There is something so incredibly transparent about dishonest and disingenuous people. The need they have to show everybody that they are honest and genuine causes them to out themselves. It’s like seeing a fish out of water, struggling to breathe. Overcompensation at it’s worst. It only gets worse if they can’t convince others to believe the best of them.

It is a strange thing to encounter this as an adult and not know exactly how to respond. If I can’t trust you around my significant other or my friends, you’re out. If I’ve caught you in numerous lies, you’re out. If you refuse to take accountability for your actions, you’re out.

Maybe it’s because I’m 37 years old or maybe it’s because I value honesty so much, but I don’t have a tolerance for bullshit. The response I choose is no response. That’s it. You’ll get nothing from me. I will not waste my time or energy on anyone who does not deserve it. I’ve examined the situation, processed it, and determined that none of it is worth my time. TIME is absolutely precious, and we never know how much of it we have.

Meryl Streep said it best….

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me.

I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate.

I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons.

I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement.

Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

Perfectly said.

I feel no need to defend myself against malicious things said about me because they are untrue. Duh.

I don’t have to prove who I am to people who know and love me because they know me. Duh.

I’m so grateful that I’ve had a solid foundation of unconditional love from the start of my time on Earth. It has given me a sense of calm in these situations because I know who I am.

The desire to prove who you are to the world and fighting for others’ love and attention comes from a scarcity mentality that says, “There’s not enough love and attention to go around so I have to fight for my fair share”. It’s sad and untrue. There IS enough love and attention to go around. Everyone is worthy of it and it should be given freely to all of us from the start. I know that isn’t the case, but as an adult you can choose who it is you want to be and what you give your energy to. You don’t have to go on flailing about and gasping for air. Hurting people hurt people and I understand that while sometimes a person’s actions are awful, their intention may not have been. They just don’t know the safety and peace of living in love.

I wish these humans a journey that will lead them to love and acceptance. I, however, will not be their guide because in the words of Danny Glover, “I’m getting too old for this shit”.

Godspeed, little fish.

Show Up

Sometimes, life is unfair and downright fucked up. This is something most of us learned as children.

For me, I was in elementary school and had to pull my card for allegedly talking. I actually wasn’t talking, but my teacher did not want to hear me out and I had to pull my card anyway.

The smug little girl who WAS talking and knew full well the injustice that was happening right before her devious eyes just sat there.

While I knew she clearly wasn’t getting into Heaven, I was still upset. In fact, I was so upset that I began to cry and my teacher made me pull my card AGAIN for crying. The satisfaction of knowing that now both of them would be rotting in Hell still wasn’t enough to console me.

This memory stuck with me. Sometimes unfair things happen. Even worse still, we usually can’t do anything about it. It’s a part of life. I get it….but still, fuck that.

I am happy to tell you that the evil little girl who didn’t own up to talking in class grew up to be a woman whose husband left her for another woman. Sad, really. She could have avoided all of that pain had she just admitted she was the one talking and pulled her card. Let that be a lesson to you all.

I know, that’s a silly story and a minor injustice, but what do we do when the really unfair things happen, and we can’t do anything about it? What do we do when we can’t console ourselves or the ones we love? What happens to our hearts and minds when the unfairness is too much to bear?

I don’t have any answers for you. Many of us have faith in a greater power and that brings some peace and comfort, but not always right away and very often we are still left not understanding why certain things happen.

Here’s what I do know…

When times get tough and things are unfair, it helps to have amazing people around you. By amazing, I mean strong people who have empathy and give love. If you don’t already have these people in your life, get some.

I’ll share some of the best parts of the people who keep me sane (sort of) and give me a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen when I need it.

They dance. They dance like fools and like everybody is watching, but they don’t give a shit.

They laugh. Not only do they laugh at my jokes to the point of snorting (you know who you are), they also make me laugh and know how important laughter is. This includes enjoying stupid/lame jokes that only we think are funny.

They sympathize. Even if they don’t know exactly what you’re going through, they listen with compassion and try to understand.

They empathize. Even better, they know exactly what you’re going through, and you don’t feel alone.

They drink. Let’s face it, I’m gonna need you to have a cocktail or three with me because days are hard.

They sit by your side. They’ve seen your ugly cry face. They’ve seen you overreact. They’ve seen you without makeup. And still, they sit next to you.

They don’t judge. There is no “right way” to do this thing called life and they know this. They’ve made the same mistake 12 times, just to be sure it was really a mistake. We’re all still figuring some things out and that’s ok.

They dislike all the same people you do. We don’t wear pink on Wednesdays, but you still can’t sit with us. Like, ever.

They think you’re beautiful, inside and out. They not only think it, they tell you. We build each other up. The world will tear us down, but we won’t do that to each other.

They believe the best of you. Others will assume the worst of you, but your people should always see the good in you and tell you so.

Most importantly…

They show up. At a moment’s notice and sometimes without you even asking because they just know.

To my people who are all of these things and more, I love you and thank you. We have a safe place to go when we need to unwind or vent or cry or laugh and that place is with each other. We can’t always fix each other’s hurt or make the terrible things better, but we can show up and be with each other.

There is something devastatingly beautiful about the pain that makes us vulnerable in life. We become so open and exposed that others have a chance to pour love and healing into our hearts and our wounds.

Even when my heart is heavy, it is full. And that is a gift.

Definitely, maybe

I thought I was clear, but apparently not. Please don’t talk to me for the first few hours of the day. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I have to be awake and it’s difficult.

Also, please don’t wear your Snuggie to work. Oh, it’s a poncho? Umm, no. At the very least, that is a cape and who are you saving? Nobody. Fucking nobody.

I’m trying to be a nice person, but you people are making this hard. I’m staying centered. I’m burning my Sage. I’m hugging the humans I like. I’ve even eaten Kale twice in the last week. Help a sister out and save your words for someone else. Hold that thought, like, forever. Thanks.

I’m about to become one of those people who creates a Facebook event. I know, but it’s for a good cause. It’s so my girlfriends and I can go eat delicious food and drink adult beverages a month from now because we’re all so damn busy and this is what it’s come to.

I guess being an adult means you have to schedule lunches a month in advance and eat a lot of green leafy vegetables. Nobody tells you that when they’re reading you fairy tales as a child, do they?!

“And then the princess picked her boyfriend’s boxers up off the floor every day for the rest of her life because while his eyesight was good, the hamper was invisible to him.”

Cohabitation is fun. This month alone, I’ve watched 13 movies I couldn’t be less interested in. I get to tell him that he’s using his inhaler wrong and wonder if he’s leaving his trimmed beard hair in the sink because, like the hamper, it’s invisible to him. Write a story about that, Disney.

As though that isn’t hard enough, I go to work and PEOPLE TALK TO ME.

I’m not actually upset about any of this. They are minor annoyances, but I might have an attitude problem. Definitely, maybe.

Confession time: There are six stalls in the bathroom in our building. The fourth one doesn’t lock. There is no way to make it properly lock, it just won’t. I see women walk right in and I say nothing. They usually like to give it 3 or 4 tries before realizing there is no way to lock it. I could have told them, but I find it amusing. I might be an asshole. Definitely, maybe.

Here, watch this little hedgehog try to swim. Act like you don’t love the hell out of it. I dare you.

Shut Up, You’re Weird Too

As much as I like the fun part of holidays, can I just say that I am so happy they’re over? Of course I can, I’m the boss of me. I think holidays make people crazy, rather, they bring out the crazy. What is that? Is it being reminded of bad memories past? The impending doom of spending time with relatives? Is your creepy uncle coming to Christmas dinner? I mean, WHAT?!

It’s fine, we all have our reasons for wishing the holidays away. Mine would be the crowds of people. They are everywhere, and they bring their crying babies with them. Isn’t this time of year hard enough without your teething infant screaming in the middle of Macy’s? I’m just looking for a sweater, dammit.

I enjoy parts of it. My Mother is an amazing cook and I happen to like my family so that part is easy. I love watching my kids open their gifts. Then, I regret buying things that require batteries, assembly or set up of any kind. Immediately, I turn my daughter and ask her to set up the new Nintendo Switch pretending I’m like a grandmother who doesn’t understand how “email” or “texting” works. She obliges because watching me attempt it would be equally if not more frustrating for her. She’s a good daughter.

When Christmas is finally over, there sits New Year’s like the smug bitch that she is. “New year, new you? Not so fast!”, she shouts.

I burned White Sage throughout the house and carried on with a positive attitude because new beginnings, right?

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Well, I can’t even believe the things people around me have already endured. Jeez, 2018. Simmer down. However, there’s happiness too, some have new houses and new babies (I’ve already advised them on not allowing their infants to tag along to Macy’s). I suppose this is the stuff of life. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows.

The truth is that New Year’s Resolutions are silly. It’s just a date. You want to change something? Umm, change it. It’s not like the Universe is gonna stop you… “Whoa, making a change today? On a school night? I won’t allow it.” Then, you’re struck by lightening to set an example for all the other humans who dare to be so bold as to try to better themselves in the middle of the week.

I’m going to make resolutions and evolve twice monthly so just brace yourself, this will never end. I don’t ever want to stop being curious and will constantly want to try new things. For instance, I had an app on my phone for a solid 5 weeks to help me learn French. Sure, it didn’t last, but “c’est la vei”. I’m now researching the benefits of bone broth and will be making my own in the next week.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Lifetime learners and people who aren’t scared to be who they genuinely are, that’s who I like and want to surround myself with. Yes, tell me about your strange childhood. I live for this shit. Talk to me about your latest epiphany, I wanna know. You had a rough day, but found the silver lining? Let’s talk about it over a beer.

As my good pal and I recently discussed over a shared jar of moonshine, we are all changing and evolving. This is a good thing and something that should never stop because if it did, then what’s the point?

I think we’re here on Earth for two reasons:

To love ourselves and others

To learn what we don’t know

That second one is endless, obviously. And that is the point.

I spent a solid decade learning about myself and reading every book imaginable. I love to learn about others too, this is my jam. If you’re a MBTI nerd like me, I’m an ENFP. If you don’t know what that means…as my good friend says, “Google that shit!” (GTS). I’m a Type Two on the Enneagram. Again, GTS.

As much self-discovery as I’ve done, I still surprise myself. I recently noticed that after a very social weekend, I will suddenly shut down and need no one to talk to me or even breathe in my direction. It’s just too much to bare. I have expended all my extroverted energy. I now need to re-charge and I can’t do that with you in my space. I suppose I’m a Social Introvert, which is weird.

Shut up, you’re weird too.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that my Non-New Year’s Resolution is to keep trying new things, keep learning more about myself and others, and just love people. They need it and so do I. I’d also like to go wine tasting. I’ve never been and it seems like the 37 year old thing to do so maybe. We shall see.

I will always crave connection, real connection. If you’re not going to be real with me, I’ll know, and our conversation will be about the weather and last under 5 minutes. I’m not a Meteorologist, I don’t give a shit about the forecast, I just don’t like you. It’s ok, someone else will.

Good luck with your New Year’s Resolutions, everyone! Try being Gluten free, you’ll probably be friend free in 2 weeks, but carry on. Giving up alcohol? Call me when that’s over. I’ll be here for you, but in the meantime, I’ll be over there where they keep the beer. Deciding to try bangs? I’ll caution against it, but still sit next to you. (P.S. you look 5 years old now)

How To Be 37

I just had a birthday. I know, fantastic. I bought myself all the face creams so let’s just not talk about it anymore.

I’ve been catching up on the last few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy as of late. So far I’ve diagnosed two people with Cardiomyopathy, one with Bronchitis and 62 with an attitude problem. A few didn’t take the news well, but whatevs.

We recently attended a Halloween party. I went as an attacked Little Red Riding Hood with a basket full of booze. Duh. I contemplated doing the couple thing, my boyfriend obviously being the Wolf. However, the look of excitement on his face when we found the inflatable Velociraptor costume was just too much to bear. Plus, I was really hoping he’d get a little tipsy and fall over. Then, I could just roll him out the door and back home. Bonus, he’d be encapsulated in this getup all night so when he farted and gassed himself out to the point of unconsciousness, I would see Karma at it’s finest. I’m an amazing person.

Fine, I’m not that great. Still better than some though. For instance..

I saw two women jogging early in the morning and one was wearing a head flashlight. I can’t decide if they were friends jogging together or if the flashlight wearer was chasing the other woman to force her into friendship. She clearly needs a friend to tell her that she looks like a dumb ass. First of all, it wasn’t that dark. Second of all, you’re not a coal miner, ma’am. Take it down a notch.

Or how about the guy who likes to hold the door open and wait for me to walk through at the gym even though I might be a solid 50 feet away. Thank you sir, but I’m going to get my cardio inside the gym and now I feel like I have to awkwardly powerwalk because you have an impatient look on your face like I’m inconveniencing you. Dude, I’ll get my own door.

Enough about others, let’s get back to me. I’m about to cry over this hangnail and I just washed a plastic fork. Send help.
And out of the blue, I decided to watch Eat, Pray, Love. It felt like the 37-year-old thing to do. Clearly, we needed wine and by “we” I just mean me. I watched the movie twice. In a row. I blame the wine.
I’d actually seen it years ago, but I don’t think I got it at the time. Either way, I suddenly have a desire to eat all the pasta in Italy, buy bigger jeans, then attend a wedding in India and finally cry with Javier Bardem about EVERYTHING.

However, there was a quote in there that I loved so very much..

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation.”

I think there are some types of growth that can only come from brokenness. Sometimes we have to be humbled to be open to what we need to learn.

A little bit of the wisdom I picked up over the last year:

Half the time you’re fighting with someone, you’re really fighting with yourself.

Forgiveness is not a chore, but a necessary part of loving someone completely. This means yourself also.

Life’s trials don’t end. One gets solved and another arises. Learning to enjoy life throughout all of the trials is the point.

Don’t miss the point.

There is always room for one more.

Check in on people, they need it more than you think.

You don’t have it all figured out, life will surprise you and about half the time you’ll like it.

I will say “Bless You” up to 3 times when you sneeze. After that, I assume you’re an attention whore and you’re dead to me.

What? I can’t be mature all the time.

Ever feel like you’re not cutting it as a parent? Let me help you out. My son just went to Camp and I sent him with a disposable camera. I’ll be dropping it off to get the pictures developed along with my daughter’s disposable camera from when she went to Camp SIX YEARS AGO. Mother of the year.

I’m going to need you guys to lower your expectations. Thanks.

You’re Wearing White, Aren’t You?

You’re wearing white, aren’t you?

Dammit, Donna. You know the rules. Much like an awful ex, Labor Day is behind us.

I’m kidding. I care zero much about these things.

I spend my time on important matters, like anxiety and creating terrifying scenarios in my mind that will never take place.

Truthfully, I’ve been watching quite a few documentaries lately, listening to podcasts and going to the gym on a regular basis. What is this life? I promise not to start eating a high fiber cereal in the morning. However, I will keep singing the praises of Quinoa. Don’t try to stop me.

Oh shit, I just remembered that I’ve also started posting a “Weekly Menu” on the fridge.

Did I just grow up? Am I an adult now? Is it over? Because I would love to stop paying bills. That would be fantastic.

I won’t even go into the “meal prep” I did this week because you can’t even.

I did finish one of the five books I’d started so I’m feeling fairly accomplished. I’m determined to finish one of the other four before picking up a new one which is killing me because Jen Hatmaker’s new book came out last month and I have yet to even smell the pages. Days are hard.

I find myself mumbling, “Could you not?” more and more with each passing day. I’m already living in a perpetually unimpressed state of mind so…no, please don’t. It’s doesn’t matter what it is, just don’t. I’d rather not. I am far too busy creating a list of all the new Fall shows I’ll be watching.

And that is all I will be watching because the news is such a bummer. It’s all a bit too serious these days what with the Earth being destroyed by that “Mother Nature” bitch and our country being led by someone who is essentially a troll in a permanent state of “Brain Fog” and assaults my ear holes with his stupidity. It’s all stupid. I don’t accept.

Anyway, come over with me to the Petty Corner for a minute…

You know how some women forget to stay in their lane? They get a little adventurous and begin to slowly drift into yours, mistakenly thinking that you’re passive then you have draw an incredibly clear boundary. Of course you do. We’ve all experienced this at one point or another.

I’ve been tempted to remind a couple of them exactly who they’re dealing with, but I decided to draw that line and carry on knowing that Karma would handle them. Well, it was brought to my attention that Karma did in fact handle it and while I don’t endorse harming another individual, I can understand how that would come to pass.

Stay in your lane. There are plenty of available men for you to unleash your insanity on. Go to town, sister. Stop learning the hard way. Bless your heart.

Ok, out of the Petty Corner.

Ugh, I kinda miss it. It was cozy and catty there. I’m sure I’ll head back soon enough and might I add, I love that you can join me there. We are cut from the same mold, you and me.

We’re 90% Women Empowerment / “you go, girl!” and 10% “watch your step before I have to remind you who the fuck I am”. I like us, we’re lovely.