Fire Away

We all have our demons and I’m learning to get cozy with mine. Life’s timing often has me feeling like every time I’ve found my balance; the floor drops out from under me. Like, you thought bitch! Usually when this happens, what follows is an evolving to a better, higher thinking version of myself. The scars are there and will always be a little sore, but they are reminders that I’ve survived a lot.

My girlfriends get frustrated with me because I keep a lot inside and suffer in silence. It isn’t intentional. I just need a lot of time to process things and I do it best on my own. Recently, the noise of life has made this impossible. Last night I was able to quiet my mind and have decided that I need to just surrender to the sadness. I’m so busy doing all the time, I don’t allow myself to just be. If you don’t allow yourself to grieve and feel the hurt, it just sits there and brings toxicity to every situation and relationship that follow.

An apology in advance, but this blog won’t be funny. I’m good at funny and I love humor, but it often masks the hurt and prevents me from dealing with reality and that’s not good for me long term.

I think that after my divorce and another break-up, I’ve just been in survival mode. It’s almost like I don’t have time to go through the emotions nor do I want to feel it all. Betrayal is a hard thing. It’s difficult to understand that someone you love would intentionally hurt you. You question EVERYTHING. You try to tell yourself that it’s not about you, it’s them…but if it happens again, it must be you right? I used to think the answer to that was yes, but it is a huge HELL NO. This world is full of a lot of hurting people who barely love themselves and aren’t capable of loving another human wholly. They are often loveable and great in many ways. Oh, but those shortcomings can end up causing you so much pain.

After all of it, I think the biggest loss was my ability to trust myself again. I’ve always been intuitive and trusted my gut feelings, but after being wrong so many times that seems impossible to do again. The question becomes where to go from here. I’m aware, I feel it and I carry it with me every day.

Parenting brings its own heartbreak also. You want so badly for your children not to experience any pain in life, but really, I think we need to prepare them for it. Life is going to dish it out, they will have to be strong enough to take it and heal from it. My kids have seen me survive a lot. In some ways, I am invincible to them, but they have also seen me vulnerable. They have seen me broken and they have seen me get back up and do what needs to be done. Unfortunately, that happens quickly because what Mom has time to be sad?? None of us. That has led to incomplete healing and I have to fix it. Still figuring out exactly how to do that. One thing I know for sure is that right now I have to just feel it. Sad songs are a must. Whiskey helps too. Good friends who are patient, who listen, but don’t pry are crucial.

I need to be kinder to myself. Like, hey that was really shitty and you didn’t deserve it, but it happened and you get to be sad, mad and hurt for a while. You are still worth loving. You are still enough. These are the things I will tell myself and I refuse to spend time with anyone who chooses to see the worst in me or makes me feel as though I’m not enough. Kindly, fuck off. I have no time for that. At 39, I have started what I believe to be the second half of my life. I refuse to live it any other way than fully. I know my worth, I know my heart. I deserve everything that I am willing to give. Nothing is worth my peace of mind. I have fought too hard to have it.

Please don’t worry, I won’t be holed up in my room crying myself to sleep. I will just be more aware of what I need to do for my healing. I also won’t be talking about it with each person who asks. Remember, I’m an introvert when it comes to my feelings and processing them. However, if you want to cheers a shot of Whiskey or recommend a good song that gets you in the feels (you know who you are), fire away.