You Spelled Dumb Wrong

You spelled dumb wrong.

One of my favorite memories is when my then 8-year-old daughter texted me (yes, she had a phone, blame her father) that her older sister was dumm. I wish a had taken a picture and framed it or at the very least, included it in her Memory Book. It was hilarious to me. It’s ok for 8-year-olds to misspell dumb, but when adults do it, it hurts my feelings.

I have been known to Google some words to be sure I’m spelling them correctly, but they are a bit more complex. There are just some basic words adult humans should know how to spell. I earned second place in the 4th Grade Spelling Bee, hold your applause. Based on these credentials, I think it’s safe to say I’m a bit of an authority on the subject. Before you ask, I lost to a boy named Aaron. The irony is not lost on me, losing to someone whose own name is misspelled. By all accounts, I turned out way cooler than A-A-ron so it’s fine. I’m not bitter at all. However, you can bet your ass that I will challenge him to a rematch if ever he has the courage to cross my path. Side note, why would anyone bet their ass? What a weird saying. Really? There’s no other body part you’d be willing to lose? Not even a pinky?

Misspelling words is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s also the annoyance of misusing words.

For instance, then and than:

I’m going to teach people this, THEN tell them how much cooler I am THAN them. You see? Easy.

There’s also a part and apart:

I wanted you to be A PART of the cool kids club, but we’re sitting so far APART from each other because you don’t smell great.

Another one is damn and dam:

If I have to explain this one more DAMN time, I will throw you on the other side of the DAM and your Momma dresses you funny.

I think that was pretty clear and a few of you may have learned something new today. Shit.

New and knew:

I told you I liked your NEW car before I KNEW you were going to tell me every detail about the process of buying it.

Alright, that’s a wrap. Dammit.

Wrap and Rap:

Everyone knows I can WRAP a present perfectly while I RAP a Lil Wayne song.

Words are my jam, so I realize that I care more about this THAN most. I’m sure there’s something you feel passionately about. Perhaps you get upset when people confuse Star Wars and Star Trek characters. Some of you just felt the force and almost went full Klingon on me. I don’t really know what a Klingon is, but they sound like they just sort of follow you everywhere.

Moving on. I have to tell you that something pretty disturbing happened recently and I feel personally attacked. I begged a friend to save me from what was happening, but she was too busy rapping along to Nelly’s song #1 and could not be bothered. As she was jammin, I was being subjected to what I can only describe as a delusional monologue of epic proportions. A human male described for me in detail his progress digestively speaking and how good he felt being thin. No, no, that’s not all. He proceeded to show me how he likes to look at himself up and down in the mirror and what he thinks when he does it, all the while stating that he doesn’t like to brag. He then referred to a particular area near his hip as “Chiseled” while pointing to it.

My facial expression was pretty much this the whole time..

I have no words. I sat in shock as my “friend” was busting a move to some hip hop. Here were my exact texts to her..

SAVE ME

Omg, I CAN’T

SERIOUSLY

WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU??

WHELP, NEVERMIND

I HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH

I’m surely going to suffer long term effects from this experience and quite honestly, I don’t know how I will ever be satisfied by another man. Knowing this humble, chiseled hunk of a man with a healthy gut exists, but isn’t mine is more than I can bear.