Reasons Why I’m Late

This goes out to all my punctual friends and family….

First, I’m sorry. I know the concept of time is important to you, but it’s just not to me. I don’t get it. Are you competing for an award? Is this like when you were in grade school and received a certificate for never missing a day of school? Because that sounds about as much fun as being on time anywhere for anything. Have you heard of the Internet or Memes?

Reasons I’m always late:

Instagram.

Waking up is hard.

I don’t want to go wherever it is I have to go.

The baby hairs on the right side of my head that refuse to cooperate.

Am I getting enough Magnesium? Better Google it right the hell now and find out.

My brain. More specifically, ideas of new things to try, create, cook or research. Pinterest is gasoline to this fire.

Cleaning up things around the house that are minor and can definitely wait until later, but how great will it be to come home later and it’s already done? Pretty damn great.

My dogs giving me a look that says, “Leaving our sight for more than 2 minutes will make us feel abandoned and unloved. Do you want that on your conscience? Do you!?”

My vanity mirror shouting at me about the 3 eyebrow hairs I missed while plucking.

Where is that shirt I haven’t worn in 8 months, but would be just perfect for today? I should bypass the other lovely 46 shirt options I have and look for it even though I’m supposed to be there already because What Would Jesus Do? I’ll tell you what He’d do. He would tell the parable of the shepherd leaving 99 sheep behind to go searching for the one lost sheep. That shirt is no less important than the others. What book of the Bible is that story from? Better look it up right now because I will need this is information never. Ah, found the shirt. Nope. Now I know why I haven’t worn it 8 months. I’m going to hang it back up though because what if I feel differently about it in another 8 months?

Is that another freckle? Maybe I’m not protecting my skin from the sun enough. What’s the SPF on my moisturizer? That’s not high enough. Must find a better one on Amazon right this minute because this is a health concern that can’t wait. Oh look, I forgot about the bathroom rugs I saved in my cart for later. Do we really need to replace them yet? Maybe I should wash them again and see how they look after that. Gotta put them in the washer immediately because what if the washer goes missing or worse, gets stolen? How safe are we really? Maybe I should look into those cameras you can set up on your porch. I bet Amazon has some. Hopefully on Prime. I’ll check it out.

Facebook notification. Oh, it’s that guy from high school’s birthday. I should say happy birthday because he said happy birthday to me on my birthday. Ugh, if I do that then everyone we’re mutual friends with will expect a happy birthday wish and I’m not doing that. They’ll personalize it, think I don’t like them (I don’t) and it will become a thing. Better keep everyone’s expectations low, I don’t want trouble. No birthday wish for him. Guess I can scroll since I’m already on. Wait. An add for a Magnesium supplement? I didn’t even say that out loud. What the… The government can hear my thoughts? Shit. They obviously know I’m habitually late and will rarely have an alibi so they’re going to pin a murder on me to strong arm me into becoming an informant and putting my life on the line. I think I saw a commercial for a new show about that on Amazon Prime. I’ll check it out. Hmm, did I ever order the new moisturizer?

ADD, obviously.

20 Days

I recently took 20 days off work. They say it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. Damn, so close.

It was quite life changing. When you are so used to being “on” and busy, a large amount of free time is a foreign concept. It took about five days for me to stop clenching my jaw and stop thinking about work, but then it was like, “what job?”

I slept. A lot.

My house is incredibly clean and organized. My boyfriend no longer owns any socks with holes and can actually find a matching pair. If I ask my kids to organize one more thing, they may volunteer to run away and join the circus. My dogs are still thrilled with me though, so does anything else really matter? I think not.

I cooked 427 different recipes and have considered starting my own cooking show.  I also learned that Home Goods is dangerous and I need a Sponsor in my life to call when I’m feeling weak…

“I know, Donna, but this frame is the perfect addition to the hallway. What’s that? Yes, I realize it’s the same exact color as the last one, but this one has a more weathered look and it.…uh-huh. Ok, I’ll think about it for another day. Thanks, Donna. You’re a real one.” (Hangs up the phone and puts the purchased frame in the car because let’s be honest, nobody is gonna boss me.) I don’t know a “Donna”, but it seems like a solid name and I’ve been non-stop watching the show Suits. I am pretty much a corporate lawyer now. Feel free to contact me for any legal advice, quips about your character, snide comments or to devise the most underhanded devious plot ever made.

Truthfully, the time off reminded me that my life outside of work is filled with so much LOVE. I genuinely love and enjoy the people in my life; my kids are amazing, my parents are super heroes, my boyfriend is my soul partner and my friends are better than yours.

I listened to and watched the news yesterday. I haven’t watched the news for more than five minutes in over 6 years. Can I just say, holy shit. I can’t believe you guys have been living like this. What even?

Life got really serious for me and I just sort of stopped participating in “reality” outside of the world I created for myself. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I think my soul knew I needed to retreat for a while. It’s fine, you all did well without me. After this break, I feel like I’m ready to know things about the world again. Not too much though. I can’t be that serious and most of you are taking things seriously enough for us both.

Let’s see, what else…

I did finish a couple of books and received a couple more so the stack on my nightstand remains nine books high and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I diagnosed and cured myself of two conditions. (Just prepping for the return of Grey’s Anatomy.)

Definitely ate too much cheese.

Cleaned my pores.

Talked about movies, shows, food, poop and farts way too much.

Also, I decided that in our group this is what it would look like if a few of us planned an intervention for one of us. Enjoy.


Happy New Year.