Every time I’m going on a road trip with my family, I wake up somewhere around 3am and begin to imagine every possible terrible thing that can happen. Once I’m in tears and have methodically planned out how I will save each member of my family from an almost totaled car, I begin to talk myself down. I also start to negotiate with God/The Universe/Creator/Goddess, basically whoever can hear my thoughts telepathically. If you let my family and I survive this trip, I will be nicer to the stupid people of the world or only curse twice a day….twice an hour. Then I start suggesting a list of things/people that we could do without here on Earth if His/Her “trigger finger” is feeling itchy.
Here’s the list so far:
1. Biker Shorts – I mean, really, does anyone look good in those? You can’t unsee it, people.
2. The older white lady in my neighborhood that walks her black Pug every hour on the hour – It’s cool that she’s in an interracial relationship, but we live in a gated community with a security guy that patrols all day. The area is secure, go back inside!! Sure, Skippy couldn’t track a three-legged turtle, but he has a siren and a walkie-talkie. Let him do his job, it’s all he has.
3. Pincher Bugs – Those sons of bitches are evil.
4. Close talkers – You do not know me like that, back up.
5. Bumper Stickers – I don’t give a shit about your kid being student of the month or who you voted for in 2008.
6. Fox News – Because I have a functioning brain, eyes and ears.
7. Mouth Breathers – For fuck’s sake, get some Breathe Right Strips and wear them 24/7. Trust me, you will look like less of an idiot than you do now.
You will be happy to know that we survived the trip to Los Angeles and back. Please feel free to suggest other things/people for the list. I’m off to take a Benadryl and call it a night.